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The Ditmars

Hello, hello, gather around. Yes, gather, gather: it's that time of the year again.

Time, I say!

Time, to create your own controversy!

That's right ladies and gentlemen and those who wish to be known as neither, listen to me as I talk very quickly to you. The time is upon us, we cannot pause. The Ditmar Nominations are open and you and your friends must be prepared!

Now listen, listen closely:

With the Ditmar Nominations open, you and your friends can create a force for good or a force for evil, without the unnecessary and large tax burdens that befall large multinational and evil corporations. Did I say evil? Did I suggest you could be could good? Well, lies, lies and slander. You will be evil! Get used to it! If you win a lot, you will be called A Destructive Influence on Literature, aka Mr or Mrs Grand Evil.

My advice: Get a t-shirt printed with the word Evil on it. That way there will be no confusion at the award ceremony.

Now, you may think that I am not taking this serious, and I say, I say, what kind of words are those? I am advising on how to be a prospective winner of greatness. A t-shirt with the word evil is how you deal with those who slander you. That's how you deal with this kind of business. In fact, get a shirt made not just for you, but for your friends.

Fear not!

The cost will be low.

You will be able to afford banners, even. Being Evil in the Ditmars is not an expensive endevour. While many may suggest that it involves block voting, secret backroom handshakes, and the promises of virginal boys and girls to be served to you in a room of such decadence that the word velvet does not begin to describe it all... well, such suggestions are fanciful. With your friends, with homeless men and women, with teenagers who need booze money, you can organise a ballot in your favour. Evil is cheap! Evil is easy! Don't let people tell you it is hard work, for it is not, it is not, I assure you.

Evil is easy, that is its attraction.

But do not mistake ease for no effort. If you wait until after the ballots, after the awards are actually given and then complain, that is not evil. That is sloth. That is what the good lord has warned us against and you must be vigilant!

Go now!

Go organise yourself!

Form secret groups with secret handshakes! Make private email lists! Whisper into the ears of those you do not respect! Prey on the weak! Promise t-shirts and drinks in a bar in a hotel you don't frequent!

Prepare yourself for evil.

For the Ditmar Awards!

For Controversy!

FOR A T-SHIRT!

Link.

Comments

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fearofemeralds
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:05 am (UTC)
You're a rascal, Peek. An evil, evil rascal.
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:06 am (UTC)
i am merely here to help the helpless.
cassiphone
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:12 am (UTC)
Tragically you can probably make more from selling those t-shirts than as a writer. The t-shirt business is so hot right now.

But there are no AWARDS for t-shirts. Right?

(going to order an Evil t-shirt right now)
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:14 am (UTC)
there could be! best t-shirt! come on, who wouldn't vote for that? i'd vote for that.
cassiphone
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:18 am (UTC)
It's a slippery slope. Next thing you know, you'll have a podcast about t-shirts and where will it end???
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:24 am (UTC)
financial security?
chrisbarnes
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:28 am (UTC)
Now you're onto something. Let's have categories! Best Long T-shirt. Best Short T-shirt. Best Kid's T-shirt. Best T-shirt by an Amateur. The Golden T-Shirt for the best of the best T-shirts.

Vote now in the Shirtmars!
girliejones
Mar. 15th, 2012 01:14 pm (UTC)
Surely it'd just be best Fan Production?
Catriona Sparks
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:18 am (UTC)
WTF are you ranting about, Peek? I already own way too many t-shirts
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:23 am (UTC)
a scarf, perhaps?
alan_baxter
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:23 am (UTC)
I have an evil tattoo. Does that count?
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:24 am (UTC)
no, no it does not. how will you properly identify yourself at the ceremony, then?

unless your tattoo is on your face? a skull tattoo!
alan_baxter
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:26 am (UTC)
I don't mind whipping it out for identification purposes.
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:29 am (UTC)
lets hope it isn't too small for a room to see.
alan_baxter
Mar. 15th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
People will have to gather round.
benpeek
Mar. 15th, 2012 03:11 am (UTC)
say no more. i will issue microscopes for fighting and finding.
matthewchrulew.wordpress.com
Mar. 15th, 2012 03:30 am (UTC)
Just to give the Controversy some order, can somebody set up a Registry for Pre-Complaints? Anyone who hasn't registered their Intent to Complain by 5pm EST 12/4/12 forfeits all flouncing rights.
benpeek
Mar. 18th, 2012 12:58 am (UTC)
but surely you'd need to set up another panel to deal with the people who didn't get on the panel to begin with...
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