I was sitting around, watching the cricket when I started to notice something. At first, I thought it was a mistake, a trick of the light, my eyesight getting a little worse, or perhaps even something more sinister--alien abductions in the night?!--but the more I watched, the more I became certainly that what I was seeing was real. That I was, in fact, watching grown men stride around a field in a white uniform with mustaches.
And not just any mustache, no.
They had pornstaches.
Not just one, not just two, but three that I could spot, had mustaches that made them look like porn stars.
I kept asking myself, did I miss the meeting? Did guys from around the world get together and talk about what to do with their facial hair, and discuss what would be in and what would not? Did I not get the memo that said This Is the Meeting We Discuss Bringing Back the Pornstache? I mean, clearly I didn't, because if I had, I would have said very clearly that a lesson was learned when people tried to bring back the mullet. Some things, history has ruined. Some things, popular culture has put into the trash basket and cannot be salvaged. And by this I do not mean eye patches, colourful tattoos, and wigs. All those can come back. They will come back. Okay, maybe not wigs, but eye patches and tattoos that are all red and blue and green and have naked chicks and skulls and cars that are naked chicks and skulls will come back.
But some things should never come back, and one of those things is the pornstache. Please, I urge you, think before you shave. Think before you grow. Think of the image you're potraying with your short back and sides and your tiny, clean mustache.