Hi, this is the Quit Helpline and I'm Mary, how can I--
That bitch is gone. She's gone. Fucking gone.
What did she do, cheat on you again?
Download lesbian porn?
You'll take that crazy bitch back.
She killed my dog.
Killed my dog.
Fucking bitch killed my dog.
I told her she had to stop treating me badly. That I wasn't someone she could just leave for a week, maybe two, and then come back.
Exactly. You should have told her that months ago.
I thought we were all good. I mean, we shouted a bit. We argued. But she made me dinner after and we went to bed together and--
I'm at work.
--we slept soundly.
But in the morning--fuck, in the morning, he was just there, fucking dead, and she and all her shit were gone and--
How'd you not notice this?
I think she drugged me.
I don't--I mean, I really did sleep soundly.
What are you going to do.
I called the cops.
What else is there to do?
I have--this is the most weirdest, fucked up thing I ever heard.
Have you heard from her?
Fuck her, man.
I'm--I'm fucking growing a beard!
She hated beards so I'm going to grow one.
I'm going to grow the best fucking beard I can. It's going to be fucking awesome. It's going to scream that I'm a man when you see me. It'll amaze you with my manliness. And I'll take it to beard competitions. I heard of one of them on the weekend--there are these competitions where dude's show up with their beards, all combed and styled and they are judged on how well they've grown it and such. I'm going to grow a beard that rivals that. It's going to be the most awesome beard in the world.
I'm going to take up beard styling, too. I'm going to enter that shit. Get my face on the fucking cover of Bearded Times or something. To show how horrible this event was, I'll make my beard into a cage, and I'll have it frame my head in a symbolic gesture of how trapped I felt with her.
It sounds insane but it's like focus, it's a goal, and I need something to take my mind off--
You started smoking again, didn't you?
Well, do you blame me?
(The 12 Days of Christmas is in its third day. I offer no excuses.)