We are going to have to stop using it.
The sea water has gotten into it.
Maybe the Queen will come and dig us a new one?
The Queen doesn't care.
I'm sure the Queen does care about Tuvalu. She is not just a figurehead, y'know. She is not just someone we see on TV with very nice plumbing and no rising sea levels.
She's someone who cares.
Are you working your bit on me?
I don't have bits.
You have bits.
I have well crafted, socially observant pieces of humour.
Did you not read my last review?
Your cousin wrote your last review.
He has a very good ear for humour.
Cheap, too, isn't he?
Family is always cheapest. There's a lot of emotional leverage to be used.
Well, what are we going to do about this, then?
I don't know. I suppose we'll tell everyone it can't be used any more.
I don't think anyone will be surprised: it flooded here last year at least three times.
Yeah, I know. I'm surprised the well lasted as long as it did.
The children loved the floods.
Maybe they will grow gills then, and live under water.
Like the Snorks.
The Snorks. It was a TV show my nephew showed me on his computer. Its like, these little boys and girls living under water--they have these kinda, well, snorkels I guess, they have snorkels coming out of their heads that they breath the water through. They look very happy.
That's your solution?
Well, what do you think is more likely? That large nations will stop their very economical but ultimately bad for us environmental destruction or that our children will grow snorkels out of their fucking heads and live under fucking water and play fucking cards and be chased by fucking sea weed man?
Now I know you're working a bit.
I have a show tomorrow night.
Think it'll go well?
It's hard to tell. People aren't--you notice people seem kind of serious of late?
We are standing next to a well that is completely useless. Yesterday we built a sea wall around your sister's house. I couldn't even afford that--I don't know how she could.
She borrowed from her brothers.
The house is all she and her husband have. If the house is lost, where will she go?
Well, maybe my house, but she has grandchildren now, and her daughter and her husband is living with her, and there is just no room further inside the island for us. Would you have said no to giving her money?
I gave her money.
But you just said.
I lied. I didn't want to seem like I was a soft touch.
You think if we write to the Queen she'll give us our money back?
Well, you did say she loved us, right?
(The 12 Days of Christmas I made up one day ago. The first piece was called 'Tiger Woods', and the second is called 'Copenhagen'. Hopefully all this stuff will look good in 12 days time.)