Take for example, yesterday. I got this message on my phone from Cas, who is on holidays at the Gold Coast in the moment. I don't think he fully thought about his time, because as anyone in Sydney knows, the Gold Coast becomes a tragic wreck of teenage hormones for two weeks in what has become affectionately known as Schoolies.
Here's a photo:
In case you're not familiar with Schoolies, it is the time when, having completed their final exams in High School, year 12 students run away for two weeks to indulge in every moment of fucking, drinking, drugging, and video taping of it all that they can find. At least, this is what the media tells us. They media is very big about the wild teenagers of Schoolies. Fear them! They're on the loose! Your daughters are having sex! Your sons are buried up to the neck with a can of VB and unable to have sex! Do you know what your children are doing?!
There's even a website, so you know someone is capitalising on the unimaginative who can't organise their own sex, drugs and alcohol.
In case you're wondering, I'm just nicking these images off google image search. They've come from news outlets, so far. The above one comes from the Australian, who wrote,
THE warning "Don't bother, I'm not drunk yet", printed on the tight, white T-shirts of two young girls celebrating Schoolies' Week on the Gold Coast this year seemed to have little effect on the drooling, eager boys around them.
With outstretched hands trying to touch the young girls' breasts and bottoms, the mottos the boys wore on their T-shirts - such as "Plastered" and "Good Evening Bitches" - were perhaps a fairer representation of their true intentions.
"We are sober. It's unusual I guess, but we are pacing ourselves and playing it cool," Brisbane girl Lejla Becirbasic said as she and her cousin Zejna Vojic brushed off the male attention sparked by their cautionary T-shirts. "Well, at least for tonight."
Many of the other 26,000 school-leavers that took over Surfers Paradise on the weekend were unable to match the cousins' restraint, choosing instead to get "maggot", "wasted" and "hammered" on the balconies of their high-rise units on Saturday afternoon - screaming at fellow schoolies on balconies below, above and across from them - before hitting the bars and the beach till sunrise the next day.
Schoolie Darren Guthrie, who said he was a hit with the ladies on Saturday night, was also keen to point out his friend Andrew Rae had no such luck. "He hasn't kissed any girls, he's shy, but I have been with a dozen. They're everywhere," he said.
For some, the heady mix of sun, surf, booze and drugs was too much. Several teenagers collapsed in Cavill Mall on Saturday night, others were carried away from the hedonistic party on stretchers, while some curled up to sleep on the beach, oblivious to the rising sun.
Police said the Saturday night crowd - traditionally the biggest and most troublesome - was well-behaved, with officers arresting only 12 schoolies on public-nuisance charges and issuing 111 on-the-spot fines for drinking in the streets. Three teenagers were also arrested on Friday night.
Can you pick up the disappointment in that final line?
Also, my favourite line is, "Well, at least for tonight."
Still, the real amusement is Cas is up there for it, and if I had a comic still, I'd totally do a whole piece about him being up there and feeling like a dirty old man. It would be even better if he came back with one.