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You see that?

Chick with the camera?


Yeah, taking photo of a bagel shop. That’s fucking weird.

She’s not taking a photo bagel shop, man.


Dude, we’re in a fucking bagel shop. The only thing here to take photos of is bagels.

And you.


Well, I did just purchase a bagel.

She’s not taking your photo cause you’re in a fucking bagel shop, man, she’s taking a photo cause you’re a fucking writer at this convention I find myself at.


I think it’s more realistic that she’s taking a photo of the bagel shop.

You’re an idiot.


Come on, I don’t know who she is. Fucking stranger to me, man.

Shit, man, everyone has treated you differently since we left your sister in New Jersey. Frankly, I should’ve stayed with her.


You’re talking about the train again, aren’t you?

That fucking dude Strahan snobbed us.


Half the Australians on that train snobbed each other, man. Don’t stress it.

You meet someone, you say hi. You don’t turn your fucking head. I don’t give a fuck who you are, you do that shit, I’m fucking gonna remember it.


Look I hear you, I was there. Not something I’m going to forget, either. But what you going to do? We’re here three days—I appreciate you coming and all, cause you didn’t have to, but it’s just a pass through. Go see museums and shit and then we’re back in New York.

I should’ve stayed there. Americans are polite.


You can go back, man. It’s not a big deal.

No, I’m here now. I’m watching a college football game with that nice publisher we just met—who, hey, is fucking American—so I’m not going anywhere.

But that dude snobs me again, I’m going to rip him.


Gonna send another man to the hospital, huh?

You were more pissed off about this yesterday.


I’m pacing myself. I got three days of this. By the third day I’m going to be crawling out of my skin trying to get the fuck away from this place. I can’t use up all my hate now, that has to come later so when I leave I do it with a smile.

It’s fucking crazy. How’s a dude whose never met you decide you’re a dick?


That usually takes a few days.


The internet allows people to pretend they know you. If you had it, you’d realise that.

I don’t need the net.


You know, my grand parents have the net. How is it that people in their nineties see a use for the net, but you don’t?

This is an example of why I don’t fucking need it. Look at the fucking treatment I just got.

I mean, Strahan could’ve just ignored you. He could have looked right past you and said hi to me as we sat there. I would’ve laughed at that, but no, he didn’t. He’s got some fucking thing against you, and cause I’m your mate, I must be some kind of scum like you.


Scum?

That pisses me off. Granted, I could’ve said hi, but the fuck was just staring at us, and clearly he’s recognised you, and he’s just staring and it’s fucking awkward, and I see you and you’re ready to say hi, but just as you’re about to do it, he figures it out, does this little grunt thing, and turns the fuck away.

The fuck away.

I’ve seen some rude fucks in my time. The other day some dude tried to hold the store up with a needle full of blood, and that’s crazy shit, but it ain’t personal and I don’t hold that against no one, but this—


You’re still haven’t take a shit, have you?

Not for three days now and I’m fucking regular.


I think it’s messing with your perceptions, man.

Fuck you!


See.

I tried sitting on that toilet this morning, and there was just nothing. It’s like everything inside has turned solid. Dried cement or some shit. I just need to find a way to loosen it up in there.


Probably should avoid the bagel, then.

But that doesn’t change the fact that you should be angry.


Me?

Yeah.


Truthfully, it just isn’t worth it.



What?

Lies make baby Jesus cry.


I wouldn’t want to hurt baby Jesus.

But you are.

See, when we got off that train last night, you were ready to rip on that dude. You even said it. You said, ‘We got three days, no rush,’ and I thought cool. How hard is it going to be to rip on some fat fuck in a sci fi con? Suddenly I think coming here has an upside.

But this?

This whole, it’s all cool, just people, let it go, some non confrontational wank that you got going? No, that’s some dude wussing out, playing the fucking party line, trying to keep everything smooth so he doesn’t rock no boat.


Look, man, I got three days of this. I got to show restraint.

Wuss.


Like you don’t do it. It’s part of being a fucking adult.

No, it’s being a fucking wuss is what it is. You’re willing to wear the fact that the dude is a shit to you, and not fucking rip him, because he has more cred than you, and knows more people. But that’s just getting the fuck walked over, that’s what that is.


What you want me to do, man, start a fucking brawl over some guy guy I don’t know snobbing me? After I kick him in the balls a few times, how do you think that’s going to look?

Like you’re a man!


Haha.

If you don’t do it I will.


I bet you won’t.

Probably not. He’s a big fucking dude and might actually hurt me. I prefer to emotionally cripple people.


You’re a regular hero.

Thank you.

But honestly, man, if you let this slide, it’s only cause you’re afraid some shit you probably don’t even have is going to be taken from you.


You’re like a constipated Buddha this morning, aren’t you?

Totally.

Also, I could build a fucking house with this bagel and a billion like it. It’s just not digestable.


On this, I’m not disagreeing. There’s a grocery store a few blocks back. Wanna get some fruit?

Yeah.








Is it too early to buy laxatives, you reckon?







(Cross posted at benpeek.com. Double the comments, double the excitement.)

Comments

lucius_t
Aug. 27th, 2008 09:51 am (UTC)
Consistency is the hobgoblin of the little mind. :)