Okay:
Run this by me again.
I'm going to buy a Kinder Surprise.
Right.
I'm going to split the egg with you.
That's very kind.
I'm keeping the prize.
I understand.
Then I'm going to use the container to hide drugs in it and shove it up my ass.
That's what I thought you said in this aisle at Woolworths.
Is that prudishness I see?
Please.
Well, disapproval?
No, man, it's good to see you're not using plastic bags after last time.
But.
Well.
I thought you were cutting back?
I'm going away.
Didn't I have a conversation a month ago about how you were giving this up?
Me?
I believe it had something to do with your brother.
Well—
Something about sending the wrong message to him, and how you wanted to be a positive role model to him in responsible drug usage.
I might've said that.
And a couple of months before that, it was how crystal meth was messing with your gym time.
I feel like I'm talking to my mother.
I'm just noticing a trend here.
Trend?
Yeah, you saying it's time to cut back, and then two to three weeks later, you haven't. Usually, not worth mentioning, except if you were dating your drugs, I'd have to tell you that you should decide if you want be there or not.
Is this my Punky Brewster Says No to Drugs moment?
What?
You don't remember Punky Brewster?
Yeah, TV show in the eighties. Punky grew up to be really cute.
If you're into girls, I suppose she did.
But:
In the show, they had an episode where Punky and her black friend, who is so fucking eighties that she wears a pink headband... those two get to be friends with a bunch of year six girls. They're, what, twelve? Impossibly white and rich and with bracers and cocaine habits.
But:
In the show, they had an episode where Punky and her black friend, who is so fucking eighties that she wears a pink headband... those two get to be friends with a bunch of year six girls. They're, what, twelve? Impossibly white and rich and with bracers and cocaine habits.
Did they all get high?
No, of course not. Punky says no to the peer pressuring of drugs about half an hour of moral back and forthing about what real friends are, and then she goes and joins some rallies to encourage everyone to say no to drugs, thus engaging in her own peer pressure acts. The episode ends with her walking through streets and chanting say no to drugs, no, no, no.
So, you need to chant, let me know.
So, you need to chant, let me know.
Someone sounds a little defensive.
I do not.
Right, cause this conversation is totally not Leave-Me-Alone-Mum-I-Know-What-I'm-Doing.
You're the mother.
No, man, I'm just pointing a trend that has come up since the crystal meth arrived—
You are so down on that drug.
Point me to a happy crystal meth story.
What?
I have never met anyone who said, “I've used crystal meth for years, and I'm fine with it.”
What I've met is people who got addicted to it real quick, got themselves bad teeth, money issues, and generally fucked up.
Thing is, I don't even like saying this shit to you, man. It's Punky Brewster, like you say, and I don't give a fuck what drug people take. Snort it, smoke it, inject it, I don't really care what anyone does, so long as they're good with it.
I'm good with it.
Really?
Yeah.
But, look, after the holidays, I got to give it up anyway—it's starting to get in the way of my job.
But, look, after the holidays, I got to give it up anyway—it's starting to get in the way of my job.
See, I heard this one before, too.
Fuck me, do I mother you like this about writing?
What?
When you bitch about having no cash, going to get a real job, one with sick pay and shit, do I ever say, “Hey, I've heard this before. Give up writing.”
Publishing, I'd give up publishing.
My point remains.
Yeah, well.
And.
And?
And I don't think you're properly appreciative of the Kinder Surprise idea.
No, man, that's fucking cool. I appreciate the Kinder Surprise, except, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we learn a few years ago that the chocolate is kinda shit?
Why do you think I'm sharing it with you?
I thought it was love and kindness?
Now, if I said love and kindness was the prelude to everything that went up my ass, what would you say?
Drum roll?
