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X-Men 3: The Last Stand

X-Men 3: The Last Stand is a big pile of shit.


No, really.

Look, here's your warning: I'm talking about the film. I'm mocking the film. I'm giving away plot points. You don't want to know these things, you stop reading. I am not using a cut. Cuts are for losers.

Upfront: I liked X-Men 2. I thought it was a well done film. It was never going to rock my world, but I thought Singer brought to it a nice sense of subtly, style, and substance, all of which is often lacking in such films. There was always the risk, of course, that the X-Men films would turn into things of spectacle, where only the powers and costume would matter, and would somehow drift down to the stupidity of countless summer blockbuster films; but Singer, with what appears to be the barest hint of slowing down the pace of his films, allows a bit of texture to creep in. But ah, that was a few years back now, and this is a new summer, and Singer is off making Jesus Superman Returns, and X-Men 3 went through a second director before it landed on Brett Ratner, who is probably best known for the Rush Hour films with Chris Rock and Jackie Chan. And with Ratner in charge of the film, we get to see what would happen if the spectacle was allowed to run free.

Oh yes. Run, run run.

At the end of the second film, Jean Grey was dead, but leaving a big shadow of a phoenix, so we all knew she would be back. So when the third film opens, a young Charles Xavier and Eric Lensherr are visiting her parents, in an attempt to bring her into their school. They talk about how she is the most powerful mutant they have ever encountered and you know that this film is going to be about her, no matter what else might be suggested. And sure enough, she starts calling to her husband, Scott Summers, who goes out to the lake that she died at, and sees her return to life.

And promptly gets killed by her.


Does anyone care?

Sure, it might not make sense, but with Scott Summers out of the way, the Wolverine/Jean Grey romance can take place. It was obvious that his presence in the film needed to be removed. So, beyond the fact that she was married and in love, the first thing Jean Grey does when she returns from the dead is blow the fuck out of her husband and wants to go and shag Logan. Naturally. Hold for a moment here while some people ask where Scott's gone...

Oh, wait, no one's doing that, are they? Funny. He seemed important in the films. Certainly, he seemed like a major character. The leader, you might suggest, though, er, doesn't Storm seem to be rather Scott Summer's like in this film? Wasn't there something about Halle Berry only returning if she had a bigger part? I seem to remember that. Maybe whoever wrote the script just thought it'd be easier to replace the two. It certainly seems to work that way. Still, you really think someone might say when they find Jean Grey lying on the ground unconscious, "Hey, are those Scott's glasses you're holding there, Logan? You think maybe something has happened to him?"

"No, no, I'm sure, like, Jean had a pair with her when she walked out to save us before."

"Like a keepsake."


Yes, well, why not?

So, Scott Summers is dead, and Jean Grey is all powerful and horny. You with me? Good.

In another part of the film, a cure for mutants has been found. This cure, in fact, involves keeping a young boy caged in a room while doctors probe and examine him. No one has a particular problem with this because apparently this centre of disease curing, located on Alcatraz, is complying with all the ethical demands that come with using children in your experimentations. I myself must really look into getting that guideline thing. Anyway, we know that he is the cure, because when Hank McCoy visits the boy, his blue fur evaporates, and he becomes normal. Until he steps away from the boy. Of course, this leads one to thing that, since the cure is injected into the bloodstream, that it might only be as good so long as it is in one's system, but when it goes, well, it's all spikes and sucking your boyfriend's memories out.

Around this time, however, Magneto goes out looking to rescue Mystique. He does this by tossing a few cars around. One flips over his head, in fact. Why? Cause it looks cool, I suppose, though it actually looks stupid. But the point is he's out here rescuing Mystique, because she got caught trying to find the secret behind the cure. If she had only waited a couple of days, it would have been on the telly. And if she had waited a few days, she wouldn't have been shot with the cure, and thus effectively killed within five minutes of being on screen.


Well, near as I could tell, so they could replace her with the Juggernaut.

Yes, that's right, the Juggernaut. The guy who will run fast and bash through walls and, obviously, be the one that goes after the mutant kid who sucks away your powers, and thus get beaten up in a cheap gag. Of course. Naturally. The Juggernaut. Who could have thought otherwise.

It's a shame, actually, that they did away with Stamos's Mystique, as she proved to be one of the more interesting characters in the second film. But perhaps more strange is the way that, once she is cured of her mutant powers, that Magneto simply abandons her. It's as if the companionship that the two shared in the second film--those quiet, laughing moments, and the confidence that Magneto shows in her to do almost anything--evaporates completely, and she is left lying naked on the truck of a floor, while the boys go off to war. Sure, it shows that Magneto is a cold fuck when it comes to humans, but is Mystiique really a human, then? And wouldn't it have been more interesting, I thought, to show Magneto and Mystique's relationship in dealing with this change? There's a lot to work with there, I thought. That could almost be interesting. But I guess that would be a different film, because right now, having gone to track down a horny and all powerful Jean Grey, both Magneto and Xavier find her huddling in her parents old home, like a child.

Which is about where, in the film, Jean Grey disintegrates Charles Xavier. You'll be happy to know he smiles before he dies. He looks over to Wolverine and he smiles and then, well, that's that.

As you might be guessing, the film is about the explodee. The bang. The boom. There's virtually no characterisation in it at all. For example, when Angel rescues his father (yes, yes, Angel is in the film, haven't you seen the trailer?) why does he do this? As far as we, the audience know, Angel's father was trying to "cure" him, so why then, would he risk his life to fly through a battle scene to save him? Since we know absolutely nothing about Angel, one can only suggest that he needs the pocket money. At any rate, when Xavier dies, both Storm and Wolverine are there, and are a bit on the sorry side, showing that emotional range. (Strangely, you might think that while destroying Xavier and lifting an entire house out of the ground and being pissed off in general, more people might have died, but no. No, they did not.) At any rate, they have a funeral for Xavier.

No one says much about Scott Summers. Faculty funerals--there's a limit, you know. Plus, they spent all that cash on Xavier's big grave stone. Look, just don't think about Scott Summers.

But wasn't he Jean Grey's husband?

Look, just--

A major character in the films?!


Surely someone must say, "Hey, what about Scott?"

Maybe it got edited out. Wolverine says, "I think Scott is dead," at one stage, and everyone looks at him confused, so that counts, yes? No? Well, look, he doesn't get a funeral, okay? Just shut up about that.

Anyhow, Xavier gets a funeral, and everyone looks suitably sad. Shortly after, you see Bobby and Kitty skating on ice and touching hands, and though you really have no idea what they're about in the film, the scene cuts to Rogue who, being a hormonal teenager, wants to shag her boyfriend. With all of five seconds given to this weighty decision, she decides to go off and get the cure. No big surprise there, really, but there's no real place for Anna Paquin in this film because her power isn't SF based enough, and so we don't actually see much of her as she goes off and gets her cure, which one might suspect was an important character moment and might actually have been interesting.

But there's no explosions with the cure, you must understand, and the film is concerned with the explosions.

Which is why there is a big fight scene on Alcatraz, where the X-Men run to defend the cure... er. Yes. At this point during the film, I actually thought to myself, why are they doing this? I know it's a stupid thought, but there it was. Jean Grey, I might add, has joined Magneto and is now part of the bad guys, though I couldn't figure out why she did this. Because Magneto didn't want to cage her mind and make her safe? Well, after blowing the fuck out of Xavier, there was small chance of that happening, wasn't there? But she's there, hardly saying a word, until the end, when she and Wolverine go toe to toe and, well, the inevitable happens, and he says, "I love you," when it does.

Does that all sound incredibly pointless to you? You better believe it. It's so shockingly pointless that one the drive home, C and I compared notes on why things happened. Why did Wolverine go to the enemy camp? Why didn't Magneto and the Brotherhood actually attack the clinics that were making curing mutants? Why did they march on the faculty, rather than using their powers, and a little bit of cunning? And why was it that the ice guy and the fire guy, whose animosity was set up in the second film so nicely, have only one meeting in a crowd before going at it with each other in just about the dumbest display of powers that was shown in the film?

Worse, however, is the complete lack of characterisation. The complete lack of small, personal moments that would allow the characters to arise out of their power characterises them mode. I control fire--I'm fire guy, and kind of angry. I control ice--I'm ice guy, kind of calm and collected. And so on and so forth. Even Hugh Jackman and Ian McKellen, who have fought so valiantly to draw everything that they can out of their characters, even they are lost in this film, spouting out the angry rhetoric or lost love that the script demands, and letting off quick one liners as the summer blockbuster demands of the hero and villain accordingly.

It is a shit film, yes, oh yes, and an opportunity squandered. Save your money and spend it elsewhere.


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May. 25th, 2006 01:57 pm (UTC)
This is the logical response to what happens if you take one of the leaders of the X-Men and turn him into an essential non-entity in the first two films.

But reducing the part of Mystique? How can the film survive without countless shots of her legs? I do not ask this question lightly.
May. 26th, 2006 01:21 am (UTC)
well, yes, it really isn't surprising that they killed off cyclops, is it? or even xavier. it's not like they had anything to do in the first two films, and each film found a way to nuetralise xavier because the plot couldn't deal withhim.
May. 25th, 2006 02:32 pm (UTC)
You are brilliant. Haha.

I have heard it is crap, and will regardless see it. Scott dies, by the way, because his actor fell out with the studio over the sacking of Singer.

Also, check out the director's bio on IMDB. Go on. It'll make you laugh.
May. 26th, 2006 01:18 am (UTC)
i thought singer left, rather than was sacked?
May. 25th, 2006 07:53 pm (UTC)
All true. However, Kelsey Grammer was ace.
May. 26th, 2006 01:16 am (UTC)
i actually thought his costume was a bit fake looking. it didn't convince me as much as the nightcrawler and mystique get ups.
May. 26th, 2006 08:49 am (UTC)
You realise, this is the only film I want to watch in cinema's right now besides Johnny Depp's The Libertine and Pirates2?!

My friends are so obsessed with X-men, we've made t-shirts (and will wear them to the viewing of said X-men3).
May. 27th, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
heh. i'm sorry, dear, but the other films were better. have you seen it yet?
May. 28th, 2006 03:14 am (UTC)
AND I THOUGHT AVP WAS BAD....................
May. 28th, 2006 09:39 am (UTC)
It must be noted that the fire guy was pretty cute, and so was the guy with wings (Angel?)...

They didn't have Nightcrawler!! (He was the reason why I liked X-Men 2. He and Kelly Hu's character.)

Storm has a better hair-do.

Jean Grey goes purple.

Scott Summers? I noticed he was unshaven.

Why does Magneto wear that helmet?

Lots of mutants die.

...thought I'd mentioned the trivial, which you missed.

A passerby
May. 29th, 2006 04:55 am (UTC)
yeah, it was a shame nightcrawler wasn't there.
May. 28th, 2006 02:56 pm (UTC)
I just had a small note to add. In the movies so far, Jean Grey and Scott Summers weren't married. Even in the comic books, their marriage was much later on, significantly passed the Phoenix storyline.

Not that it changes the abruptness of the scene, or the lack of reaction later. Some people say that there was more to it later in the movie, but that the director removed it after the disagreement with the actor. They just didn't have any other way to change the rest of the movie to reflect the change. (Okay, this theory was taken from a conversation with mariness ...
May. 29th, 2006 05:00 am (UTC)
i thought for sure that they mentioned that they were married in the second film? i suppose i could be wrong, but i know also that the films didn't play with any kind of strict line of logic.
May. 29th, 2006 03:26 am (UTC)
X-Men 3 what u forgot to add!
Juggernaught was Xaviers brother. He had sworn to kill him and in the movie they had never spoken to each other once. Let alone juggernaught try to get at him!

And at the End Wolverine does heal fast but nowhere close as he did when he was being dintegrated. And Marrow!!! Marrow was Portraid as a guy! What the Fuck was that about!
May. 30th, 2006 05:07 am (UTC)
Revealed yourself, you have.
You showed to much of your hand. You're made because you're another one of those damn comic book geeks that is pissed about the movie. In the movies, it was never established that Jean and Scott were married. That was in the comic books (from what I read on Wiki).

It was a descent popcorn flick. Pretty fun. Get over yourself.
May. 30th, 2006 07:11 am (UTC)
Re: Revealed yourself, you have.
oh please. did you miss that the subtext of the whole film has been changed from 'if you're different, that's fine, and you should fight for equality' to 'if you're different we can cure you'.
Jun. 1st, 2006 03:36 pm (UTC)
People who know nothing about X-Men shouldn't say nothing. And by the way!

Wiki is unreliable! the information given on that site isn't from the professionals, just some geek who has nothing to do.
Jun. 21st, 2006 02:37 am (UTC)
Just got around to seeing this (didn't think I would, but hey) and I have to say, your review is over the top. X3 seemed superior to X2. The weak aspects were the plot (in particular the unmotivated alliance between Magneto and Phoenix and the way this played out in the final confrontation) and the screen time given to the key events, but characterisation was quite strong.

Still a crap film, but better than the general run of superhero thingummies.
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Ben Peek

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