Ben Peek (benpeek) wrote,
Ben Peek

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Wanted, Assistant.

Apparently, Dan Brown has an assistant called Blythe. This assistant is emerging as "a key partner in Brown's phenomenal success, researching and suggesting plot ideas," in the case about non-fiction authors wanting money because some of their ideas ended up in fiction and being acknowledged for it. I look forward to the many lawsuits brought against authors from now on for doing research and acknowledging their sources and Blythe's eventual sacrifice as a scape goat as the bad assistant who lead the poor Brown down the path of plagiarism. Well, some kind of plagiarism.

Still, I have decided that I need an assistant. Obviously, if I am to be rich and famous and write bad novels, I need one. Plus, I like the idea of sitting round, playing video games, while someone does the hard work for me.

Consider the following carefully, and if you are interested, please send me your Assistant Resume.

Wanted, Assistant.

  • Location Not Important

  • Career Orientated Opportunity

  • Must Be Able to Read At High School Graduate Level

Obscure author seeks assistant. Great opportunity for research minded individual. Pay Negotiable. Accommodation will be provided as part of "salary" package. Do you know how to dry wall? Job Ideal as second "income" for already established assistant, possibly with famous "author".

Looks count. Don't think that they don't. Authors are not very attractive. They require attractive assistants. If you are attractive you're not a real author. This is one of the rules about being an author. It's in the secret handbook, right next to other authors phone numbers, favourite dishes, and addresses, so you can go to their houses and get contacts. This job requires a proficiency in making sedatives so that author may take them to supermodel parties is desirable. Cage building and welding experience is also desirable. Please advise if you have experience keeping live animals. Must have pleasant phone manner.

Please understand, you will not receive co-author status. You will not become your own author. Your ideas and your hard work are all that is sought. You will be well admired and loved as intellectual slave labour, but you will not be able to use this position as a stepping stone to success as an author. There is no ladder to success. This job is good for those without any self esteem. The handbook advises me to add that.

Thank you.
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