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This is a neat photo, yeah? I took it at the Foo Fighters gig on Thursday at the Superdome. It was the first time I'd been anywhere near stadium rock before, and it came complete with a ridiculous laser show. The Foo Fighters aren't a huge thing for me, but as Grohl said during the gig, "If you like a bit of rock, you like a bit of the Foo Fighters," and that pretty much explains me. I also like the Kaiser Chiefs, who opened, but fuck me if the frontman wasn't a wanker and didn't annoy me greatly.

There were twenty thousand people at this gig, by all accounts. On the same day this blog kicked over twenty thousand unique hits for the year, with fifty thousand hits all up. I don't rightly know what that all means--it's just numbers--but considering my fiction mostly appears in books read by five people and this blog can do anywhere between fifty to a hundred unique hits a day, it does appear that this here has picked up a bit of its own audience and that's all right. It's a real small and tiny audience compared to others, but comparisons are a losers game, so who cares.


I imagine all of you are waiting for an explanation about last week.

I've considered just ignoring it. The whole shrug and off we go, back to business. Whatever business that is. But, that said, I've heard a few of the rumours going round, and was even told that maybe I was getting what I deserved, being that this is a mean blog that slaps around innocent people. That one was my favourite.* But since other people were also busy telling me what an honest, true living kind I am, who wouldn't do nothing without a good reason, I figure I owe at least some kind of explanation. We'll call what fellows a bit of honesty sprinkled with convenient absences, because I'm not going to explain it all, just the blog side of it.

Last weeks blog shut down was what we in the business refer to as 'self-destructive behaviour'. What business would that be, Ben? Well, that would be the business of clinical depression. Yes. I can see your faces now. He's playing the I'm-Depressed-Card-ohmyfuckinggod-he's-so-EMO-next-he'll-be-telling-us-about-the-neighbour-who touched-him-all-wrong-the-dead-parents-the-dog-that-never-loved-him-and-that-time-God-spoke-to-him-from-the-coffee-pot. Yeah, no. No, he won't. Look, I'm aware of the stupidity and the way people throw around this stuff to cover a lot of behaviour, but all I can say is it has never justified or excused anything I've done. It's not now. Likewise, none of you are learning any great secret about my life. Sure, I've not mentioned it here, but it's only because I don't make a big deal out of it in general cause I've got friends who have a lot more nastier, life fucking up mental illnesses going. I've got nothing to hide with mental illness--it doesn't define me, doesn't stop me from doing things, and I'm a long way out of the whole can't get out of the bed, can't function, what day is it, all that kind of shit stuff that depression before medication can get you. So in short: being depressed is such a small, pointless thing in my life that it's just not worth mentioning or thinking about for ninety nine percent of the time. Shit, you can even forget about it, and just take the pills in a habitual motion that your mind just blanks on, like taking a piss.

But, with that said, no matter how far you can get from the old behaviour, you can always go back to it. Hence last week's fucking up. Sure, you try not to end up doing that, and you develop mechanisms to deal with things early by watching out for the signs of a bit of strange behaviour, and the occasional bit of obsession. But sometimes being self aware isn't good enough, and when you throw in a bit of stress, a few non-pleasant situations around you, and another situation that drags itself out... and, well, it's all a bit like being an alcoholic who falls off the wagon. By the time you've straightened yourself out, you've made a bit of a mess, people have seen you doing shit you'd rather they didn't, and you owe some apologies. Me, I owe at least one apology, probably a couple more to other friends, and a few other things that probably just need time, assuming they're not broken. And if they're broken? Well, you just got to deal with that, accept the responsibility, blah blah, all that stuff that sticks in your throat and you try to fix anyhow.

So, last week: nothing but self-destructive behaviour. It has got absolutely nothing to do with this blog, nothing to do with people you know, nothing, nothing, nothing. It's just one of those fucked up situations that is a bit embarrassing, but can't be helped, so you just deal with the mess and move on, which is what I've been doing. I've been a bit quiet for it, and may be a bit quieter for a while longer. Blog is running, but this, coupled with deadlines, could mean some quiet spots. That's the way it is, really. I've also not been reading other blogs, or visiting boards or whatever. A bit of quiet helps you reassemble your head, as they say, so if I've missed anything you reckon I should have seen, just throw me an email.

At any rate, there you go. I'm sure that doesn't solve a thing for you, but it's all you're going to get.

* I've seen the nasty things people have said about me. Here's the answer: I don't care what people I don't know think about me. The blog is public and my opinions are opinions and some times I agree with them, sometimes I don't. I don't reckon, outside two incidents, I've been particularly harsh, but whatever. If you disagree, it's your right. I'd certainly never begin to tell you what you can and can't do with your opinion in relation to a public blog.


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Dec. 5th, 2005 11:16 pm (UTC)
Clinical depression is tough stuff. About half my family suffers from it. My sympathies (which is different from pity, but you already know that).
Dec. 5th, 2005 11:20 pm (UTC)
yeah, thanks.

i feel like a bit of a tool having to explain it, and i'm pretty sure some people are going to think it's an excuse, but there's not much i can do about that. it just explains why a small thing became a big thing and why the big thing ended up here, is all.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 12:26 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nick_kaufmann - Dec. 5th, 2005 11:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 12:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nick_kaufmann - Dec. 6th, 2005 12:57 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 01:08 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ninebelow - Dec. 6th, 2005 10:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 5th, 2005 11:34 pm (UTC)
What Nick said. I've absolutely been there; in fact, I live not far from there. So it's all good as far as I can see.
Dec. 6th, 2005 12:27 am (UTC)

if you got to go back to this place, may i recommend blog destruction. the watching people adds a bit extra afterwards ;)
Dec. 5th, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
I understand the "not wanting to talk about it" perhaps more than you can ever know. I'm glad you're better. I'm glad you're back. Just do what you need to do. I know you don't need to hear that, but I said it anyway. 'Cause I'm like that. :-p
Dec. 6th, 2005 12:29 am (UTC)
neat. thanks.
Dec. 6th, 2005 12:17 am (UTC)
hey you didn't say

....not even once! there is obviously a serious disturbance going on.
Dec. 6th, 2005 12:30 am (UTC)
well, what can i say? some days are just not a pink love heart cunt kind of day.

maybe in a couple of days, just for you.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 6th, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
god is just a bitch, isn't he?

anyhow, ta.
Dec. 6th, 2005 01:03 am (UTC)
If they are really your friends, and know you particularily well, an "all is well, carry on then" should suffice. When I'm depressed, I don't communicate well at all, so I remove all options to do so. I refuse to answer my phone, I don't post on LJ, I don't visit or socialize at all. After a week or two, I am over it. The one person who contested this behavior is no longer my friend. I am not about to adapt myself to others because, in reality, the only one who *has* to live with me *every waking moment* is me.

Yeah. So...I dig your opinions. Shut down and restart once a month if you have to. While I would miss your amusing and thought-provoking posts (especially those involving the word "cunt"), it wouldn't stop me from reading you again when you returned.

LJ is just social masturbation anyway and you do eventually get tired of it, every now and then.
Dec. 6th, 2005 01:15 am (UTC)
on a general day, i do agree with you about the friends, and for the most part, the 'all is well' is what they are. i'm sure, even, for the most part, this'll be the case, but i still owe, y'know? i didn't disappear like i usually do, so i was interacting, so to say. the whole no contesting my behaviour is how i usually am, but it also involves me also realising when i'm an asshole.
Dec. 6th, 2005 01:51 am (UTC)
I'm glad you were able to diagnose your motivation and that you aren't/weren't too stubborn to come back ans admit that it was a temporary act of stupidity.
Dec. 6th, 2005 01:56 am (UTC)
it usually doesn't take me so long to figure out what i'm doing, really. i've got to keep an eye on it to make it work. and i'm stubborn, but i'm not stubborn enough to admit i'm not stupid at times. my only regret is now that all of you won't think of me as perfect.

oh, woe.

Dec. 6th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
But, with that said, no matter how far you can get from the old behaviour, you can always go back to it.

Amen, brother, amen.
Dec. 6th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
i should really have some sort of preaching outfit.
Dec. 6th, 2005 02:15 am (UTC)
living and coping with mental illness is incredibly hard.
in a good week, i'm lucky to get through two days without having serious problems becasue of it.
and it's even more unbearable for some.
even if it's something 'slight' compared to others, it's still mind destroying trauma on a daily fucking basis.
and, to be frank, i always hate it when people who don't understand it in the slightest start waxing about 'control,' 'responsibility,' and whatnot.
my heart goes out to you.
Dec. 6th, 2005 02:33 am (UTC)
it's cool, man. thanks. like i said, i'm not anywhere near the worse case scenarios. i know those people--some of them are my friends. i can't look at what they go through and say i'm bad off.
(no subject) - lokilokust - Dec. 6th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 08:25 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 6th, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)
I thought so.

I'm not the make a fuss sort of person. But I am the 'don't ever act on a decision made whilst in the sad hole of despair' sort of person. Hence I appear to vanish from time to time.

(And that is a scary photo.)
Dec. 6th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC)
nah, mine are made in anger. destroy destroy, as they say. well. whoever they are. anyhow, you could have told me this is what i was doing, y'know.
(no subject) - shadowsandice - Dec. 6th, 2005 05:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 06:05 am (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - shadowsandice - Dec. 6th, 2005 06:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - benpeek - Dec. 6th, 2005 06:48 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 6th, 2005 07:14 am (UTC)
I'd certainly never begin to tell you what you can and can't do with your opinion in relation to a public blog.

I would, but I'm kind of an arsehole about stuff like that.

Glad you're back. Fuck anyone that whinges about you.
Dec. 6th, 2005 08:19 am (UTC)
I would, but I'm kind of an arsehole about stuff like that.

eh. *shrug* too much stress to worry about it, y'know? also, it would involve me caring.

Glad you're back. Fuck anyone that whinges about you.

well, if they are, they aren't doing it round me.
Dec. 6th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
I'm familiar with depression and self-destructive behaviour...

Anyway, I'm just glad you're back... no other cunt around here uses the word cunt enough...


As for those who dissed you... fuck 'em...

I tried to start a few rumours but nobody will listen to me since you told them all I was a crack whore... so, it's true... but still...

Dec. 6th, 2005 08:20 am (UTC)
aw. i bet you had some nice rumours, too.
Dec. 6th, 2005 08:44 am (UTC)
I hear you, as yet another battling depression. Good to see you back.
Dec. 6th, 2005 10:20 am (UTC)
Dec. 7th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
Clinical depression is fucking horrible (I know at least 3 people who have suffered/still suffer from it), I'm sorry you're having to deal with it and I hope you get better as soon as you can.

I missed the entries because I was in Brisbane. Be afraid, be very afraid, Mr Tanuja and I can now legally work and live permanently in Australia and this was our visa activation trip, who knows, we may even end up in a State bordering yours...... The burbs' of Brisbane seem to have a distinct lack of internet cafes and because MMT was suffering with jet lag, both Mr Tanuja and I suffered alongside him, so we didn't get to a single internet point until we were transiting back through Singapore.

Oh and I am about as jealous as you can be that you got to see both the Foo Fighters and The Kaiser Chiefs at the same gig (the "you bastard" is implicit in that last sentence). The only way I'd be more jealous would be if you told me that you had tickets for the U2 show.

As I said earlier, hope you feel better soon, FWIW I really enjoy your posts and ramblings.

Dec. 8th, 2005 11:38 am (UTC)
yeah, things are picking up a bit, i guess. a bit. not hugely, but it's a slow process.

the foo fighters were pretty cool. i was impressed. the kaiser chiefs... i dunno, i'd maybe warn against seeing them. they sound just like their album, and the frontman is a real tool. the kinda tool who could put you off the band.
(no subject) - tanuja - Dec. 8th, 2005 03:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Ben Peek

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