So, I think we all know the solution here, yes?
I have been good this year. Please give me money.
Okay, it's true that I did buy a bible and kick it around to dirty it up; but it was for art. Art, as you know, is important. Also, I introduced people to the miracle of Jesus' foreskin--and I didn't point out what an obvious oral sex thing that was, or make jokes about priests saying, "Would you like to lick Jesus' foreskin," to little boys (and possibly girls). I resisted said urge. Likewise I did not say to my girlfriend, "Lets pretend I'm Jesus and I've just been circumcised and it hurts and I need the right kind of sympathy." Sure, I'm single, and the chance didn't come up, but I could've paid prostitutes if I'd really wanted.
So, yeah, like I said: I have been good. Please send me money.