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The Past | The Previous

Things I Won't Do


Sell my kidneys.

Write a superhero comic.

Watch Ray Martin on television.

Meet Thomas Lynch.

Go back to being a projectionist.

Enter give aways in shopping malls.

Write hard science fiction.

Work in a cafeteria anywhere.

Steal bowling shoes.

Ice skate.

Read Heart of Darkness again.

Climb telegraph poles.

Publish something I hate. Again.

Dare children to jump their bikes over dogs.

Film children jumping over bikes and then send files to parents afterwards.

Name the file, 'Bobbysbloodystump' and 'Susiesteethareinhergums' and say, "They're just file names. Your children don't really scream and hold up their arms with bones sticking out. By the way, I took Susie's teeth out of her gums and now they're for sale back to you."

Meet Salman Rushdie.

Work on a University newspaper.

Watch A Current Affair or any of those Woman's Weekly current affair shows.

Do a work for hire gig.

Read another Chuck Palahniuk book.

Allow people to speak about the greatness of Palahniuk without immediate ridicule.

Put the photographs I took of the male toilet doors from the UNSW campus on my office door which say 'Sexual Favours in the School of English' though I kind of want to so I can watch the reactions as people pass.

Work a job I hate so long as I've no responsibilities.

Have responsibilities.

Write romance fiction.

Start a band.

Perform in an opera.

Pole dance three nights a week.

Meet Michael Ondaatje.

Promote religion of any kind.

Eat any kind of animal I can recognise.

Watch Dr Who.

Support your neurosis if it doesn't support mine.

Not support you.

Take you bowling for comfort in stolen bowling shoes.

Tell you On the Road meant something to me.

Read children's literature (or young adult literature or fantasy trilogies unless written by Michael Chabon, and even then I might not)

Pretend to care that children's literature is real literature.

Write children's literature.

Justify any of this.

Especially the bits that contradict.

But then again

I might have done all these things

And I might just do them all again, just once, for kicks.

I won't take your shit


I'll take my shit.

It's late and my mind is fried. Goodnight, goodnight. Goodnight.


( 16 Soaking Up Bandwidth — Soak Up Bandwidth )
Sep. 14th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
So you're back to pole dancing four nights a week again? :-p

And if you respect my love of young adult literature, I'll respect your comic books. Is that fair?
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
So you're back to pole dancing four nights a week again? :-p

it's a harsh life i live.

And if you respect my love of young adult literature, I'll respect your comic books. Is that fair?

nah. i don't need no one to respect the things i like. that i do is enough for me.
Sep. 14th, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
My friend Shane just got back from being on a panel with Salman Rushdie, Margaret Atwood and John Saul, so he calls me and drops casually that he's going for dinner with Neil Gaimen next moneth. If he wasn't so nice, I'd have an irrepressable urge to break his fingers. *grins*
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:36 pm (UTC)
heh. i actually don't want to meet the authors i like. i'd rather just enjoy their work. there have been times when i've met an author and they've been an asshole and ruined their work for me, and i won't have that with my favourites.
Sep. 15th, 2005 01:17 am (UTC)
So far the only notable Meet The Author was Warren, and as he and I are freidns, it wasn't a ruininous experience at all, only a very interesting confirmation of everything I'd already suspected, so I think I'm actually quite willing to go dally about with some other intensely good writers..

After all, I loiter about here, don't I?
Sep. 15th, 2005 01:26 am (UTC)
After all, I loiter about here, don't I?

yes, but the damage is all unseen ;)

at any rate, for the most part, authors are okay, y'know? but books like SATANIC VERSES, THE UNDERTAKING and COMING THROUGH SLAUGHTER mean the world to me. they had deep cuts into my brain. and while everything i've heard of the authors say they're nice folk, there's still that chance that they could have a bad day, and if it meant that, somehow, that those works were changed for me... nah. risk is too much.
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:14 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, hater of manifestoes, that's you...
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:37 pm (UTC)
i think you need to work out what a manifesto is, man. you getting all confused ;)
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:43 pm (UTC)
My dictionary says "public declaration of intentions" :)
Sep. 14th, 2005 10:47 pm (UTC)
well, here's a new manifesto then: today i will go to uni.

i think you might need to find a more specific definition ;)
Sep. 15th, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
What! You sir, have insulted myself and Mr Collins! I demand satisfaction.


Honour is satisfied....

(Actually, it's a Penguin dictionary, but "you have insulted myself and Mr Penguin" would just sound silly :) )
Sep. 15th, 2005 12:09 pm (UTC)
i dunno, you and mr penguin sound like quite a match.
Sep. 15th, 2005 01:08 pm (UTC)
I wear his underwear purely for comfort reasons.
Sep. 15th, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC)
yes, but he always says you return it crusty.
Sep. 15th, 2005 01:57 am (UTC)
You clearly do not deserve the greatness of Chuck Palahniuk. Or Doctor Who. Or writing superhero comics. I'll keep those three for myself. :-)
Sep. 15th, 2005 11:54 am (UTC)
you're entirely welcome to them :)

i'm especially disappointed in palahniuk. the ideas are there, but he's just sloppy and undisciplined with his words.
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