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An Open Letter to an Assassin

Dear Potential Assassin,

I know that many in the assassination industry are reading this blog. I get letters from you. You send me snap shots of your work. It's very nice and I feel that warm glow when you do so. I think of you guys as my family. A silent, faceless family who kill people for money, sure, but a family nonetheless. This open letter is for you guys and gals and hermaphrodites who work in the killing industry.

As you know, Australia is a small country in the political world. The people living inside often don't think this, and occasionally think that they will be the target of world terrorist organisation, but that's just because the media over here likes that idea for the ratings. In reality, it won't happen (which is not to say an attack couldn't happen, but rather the causes for this will be internal, and stem from the way our government and society treats those from different cultures). This is because in the world, we're tiny. Until very recently, we had one soldier in Afghanistan. We have a few more in Iraq, but not much. We don't get invited to G8 summits. The Taliban laughed when they heard we attacked. If it wasn't for our cricket team, we probably wouldn't have a world presence at all, which is fine, for the most part, except of course, when America calls its bitch to heel.

And Australia is America's bitch.

On a normal day, an open letter to one such as you would call for the slaying of our Prime Minister. But lets face facts here: Who gives a shit anymore? Kill that puppet and we'll only have another puppet in place. A puppet who wants to rape the working class of its job security, who wants to shit all over Medicare and replace, bit by bit, with something that begins to resemble the American styled system of not giving health care to anyone but the rich. And on and and on this insanity goes, until, finally, we all wake up and realise we are little America.

There is no point in calling for the death of John Howard.

No point at all.

So, instead, I'm calling for the death of George W. Bush. You heard me. I'm calling for it. I'm asking politely. I'm prepared to send Christmas cards with a happy Jesus and his Giant Cock to you but that's also because I don't have much money and I can't pay you your regular fee. But you have the chance to make the world a beautiful and happy place.

Perhaps you'd like to know the reason I decided to call for this? Well, the answer is Intelligent Design. Until very recently, I hadn't even heard of it, but apparently the American President is walking around and saying, "Hey, this looks like a fine idea. Lets teach that. You know, those Taliban guys were really on to something. Wonder if I can get the wife to wear a head to toe robe that reveals nothing?" And while I hadn't heard of the term until recent, I had heard of Creationism, and this just seems like another form of it. Now, when I heard that Bush was talking about it, I laughed, and though, That shit ain't going to happen here.

But I was wrong. This is from the Age:

"The controversial theory of "intelligent design" has won the qualified backing of Education Minister Brendan Nelson, who says it should be taught in schools alongside evolution if that is the wish of parents."

"Intelligent design, which is damned by critics as a front for biblical Creationism, argues that life on Earth is too complex to have evolved purely through Darwin's theory of natural selection. Dr Nelson said yesterday he had met Campus Crusade for Christ, the Australian advocates of intelligent design, or ID, and watched their DVD presentation, called Unlocking the Mystery of Life."


"US President George Bush made global headlines last week when he endorsed ID. He said both ID and evolution should be taught "so people can understand what the debate is about". The ID debate has raged in the US for more than a decade. One critic has derided ID as "creationism in a cheap tuxedo".

"Bill Hodgson, head of Campus Crusade for Christ Australia, welcomed Dr Nelson's remarks as "fantastic", adding: "I think any reasonable and balanced approach to education has to take that view.

"This is not advocating the teaching of religion.""

Clearly, something must be done.

My solution is to assassinate George W. Bush.

I know, I know, killing the head won't kill the body of American politics, which is why I think you should kill them, too. Kill them all. Set the world free. Set so that when America speaks, it speaks with sanity, and joy, and the kind of thing that doesn't promote us all going back to age where Jesus' foreskin is a valuable commodity because it will keep us safe from the Devil. So please, kill them.

Use bullets, use knives, use poison, use whatever it is that speaks to your heart as an assassin.

I thank you for your time and I thank you in advance,


Ben Peek


The disturbing lesson about today is, despite my thought that I hadn't encountered Intelligent Design until recently, this is indeed not the case. I'd been filing it under Creationism and It's America's Problem (unlike a lot of people who aren't American on the web, I realise I'm not American, and therefor complaining about books that get banned in America and reading those books on purpose is really pointless). Which obviously isn't the best response, given how much of an influence America has, but there are only so many hours in the day and I got to spend time slicing genes and building my army of clones.

Until that day when the clones attack (or I use their kidneys to replace my own) here's something for us all to get behind

I'm all for teaching DUH
in America's schools!

Thanks to artbroken for the age link.


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Aug. 10th, 2005 11:28 pm (UTC)
Well, assassinating Brendan Nelson wouldn't be a bad idea though.

"This is not advocating the teaching of religion.""
Yes it is, you insufferable twat.

Intelligent Design is textbook Christian sneakiness, pretending to accept that some Evolution happens, but still insisting that, you know, God's responsible. It has no scientific basis or justification.

It's a whore dressed up as an academic. Feh.

Brendan Nelson's just a whore.
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:37 pm (UTC)
well, in fairness, i don't think nelson is supporting it or denying it. he's just giving political nothing talk to try and be nice to both sides. which is nothing but stupidity, in my mind, cause he gives that stuff too much credit.

so yes.

he can die too.
Aug. 11th, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
Thing is, you've just described Nelson being a (political) whore.

Not, mind you, that all whores (of any type) should die. He should die because of the way he's enthusiastically killing off our education system just the way Howard wants it... An' stuff. Yeah.

(Humourless ASIO drones note: we are (half-)joking here, y'realise? Anyone dies, it's not our fault!)
Aug. 11th, 2005 01:56 am (UTC)
yeah, i realised as i typed it i was describing the whore part.

for the ASIO: hi, welcome to my blog, please buy my book next year. have everyone in your department do so. and if someone dies... come on, admit it, something had to be done. perhaps *nudge nudge, wink wink* you could help it along *nudge nudge cough cough jesus' cock wink wink*
Aug. 11th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC)
I must admit that Jesus' cock arouses similar giggling fits in my brain to you...
(speaking as an uncircumcised Jew...)
(my parents being as atheistic as I am may have something to do with it...)
Aug. 11th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
you know, one day i'll figure out how to write jesus' cock into a story. maybe i'll slice it up with a whole heap of statements from guys about their dicks.
Aug. 11th, 2005 04:09 am (UTC)
Nelson is a whore. I think he'll say things just to see his name in the press and because he knows that he'll piss off lefty student types and academics.
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
You don't want to get me started, do you? :-) If you want your child to receive a Christian education, send them to any one of the fine Christian educational institutions in the United States. Put your money your money where your mouth is and all that. If you don't have money to send them to a fine religious institution, then homeschool them so they don't become "tainted" with secularism. (That's a real word, right?)If you don't choose option A or option B, option C should not be shoving some half-ass theory down kids' throats with my tax dollars. My fucking PRODIGOUS tax dollars.

Thank you.
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:44 pm (UTC)
Forgive my typos. I'm tired.
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)
what you need, is a little assassination kindness.
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:51 pm (UTC)

You know how the system in the U.S. works, right? Local property owners pay the bulk of the local school expenses (over half, in most areas). Our PROPERTY taxes, not our FEDERAL taxes, our PROPERTY taxes are almost SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS a year--half of which (roughly) goes to our school system. I'm still seething over "no child left behind" and now he starts blathering about this intelligent design crap. A village in Texas is missing its idiot and all that.

I believe in public education but there's a reason my kids go to private school...it is mostly free of all this tripe.
Aug. 11th, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
Honestly, I'm glad I'm out of public school in the US. Granted, I've lived in Massachusetts the more liberal state all my life, but oi, "no child left behind" is pure crap. Yeah, it gets everyone to some standard, but all I learned during my sophomore year of high school was to learn how to take a standardized state test that was too easy for me. On the other hand, testing time was a nice week off from school.

But damn...intelligent design doesn't support religion? Please, any idiot can see that it does. Creationism or ID is more of a philosophy thing, not a science!
Aug. 11th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
Exactly--no child left behind is horrible for the students AND the teachers. I know one teacher who had taught English for 13 years, was quite good at it and now can no longer teach it because it was only his minor in college. Yes, THAT'S the problem with our educational system, teachers teaching something they only have a MINOR in.

And none of this crap addresses that a large portion of parents just don't give a shit and expect the schools to do everything.

As for the ID, I don't know how our solar system/galaxy/universe came into being. There may well have been a spiritual component to it but that doesn't belong in the public schools where many cultures and religions meet.
Aug. 11th, 2005 04:07 am (UTC)
Thanks Ben, for being a voice of reason.
Aug. 11th, 2005 07:48 am (UTC)
well, that's something i haven't been called before ;)
Aug. 11th, 2005 04:50 am (UTC)
You took my innocent little link and commentary and turned it into something sick and beautiful.

I love you, man. I want your babies. Mail them to me right away.
Aug. 11th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
okay, but i expect you to use the fetus' for stem cell research.
Aug. 11th, 2005 05:41 am (UTC)
The thing is, I think ID *should* be taught it schools. It certainly gets taught in the university foundation unit I used to teach, and it takes about 20 minutes of the class's time before it falls apart like a large sweet potato dropped into a wet paper bag.

If we all talked about it rationally and logically then it would probably go away a lot faster than if it lurks around the edges of science like some sort of theological boogeyman.
Aug. 11th, 2005 08:00 am (UTC)
sue, but do you think it'll be talked about logically and rationally? or do you think religious teachers will be getting up and teaching it? i reckon the last.
Aug. 11th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)
I want the science teachers to. I mean, really, I do. And they should teach it fairly and impartially. They should say "Look, here are the facts as we know them" and then list 'em.
Aug. 11th, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC)
are there many facts in intelligent design, though? from what i understand, it's more faith based, and a faith has no facts, since that is why it's a faith.
Aug. 11th, 2005 01:13 pm (UTC)
Or more to the point, do you think school children have the ability, or the confidence to disagree with the teacher and provide a well thought out arguement and alternative?
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