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Fantastic Four

I saw Fantastic Four and didn't pay for it.

The truth is, it's not worth cinema prices. I read something last week about the reason for cinema patrons leaving cinemas is that due to the costs involved in making films, in paying stars, and so forth, the cost of a ticket is reaching points where people would rather spend the time downloading, renting, or borrowing. Hell, wait a year and you'll be able to buy Fantastic Four as a cheap DVD for the cost of a ticket. In the same essay, it was noted that the audience who see going to the cinema as a social event--something you do with friends, thrown together with getting some food and so forth--is not finding films out there that actually interest them. The films are for teenagers, for gender specific audiences, for families. There's been a drop, he argued, in good intelligent, well made films for adults, and this is perhaps true I think. It's certainly true in the case of Fantastic Four, which is never anything other than a family film.

The plot is that five people (yes, five, not four) get caught in a cosmic storm and that gives them powers. One of them goes insane with his power and, due to the break up of a relationship that, apparently, might not have been a relationship, decides he wants revenge. I'm speaking of Doom, of course. Revenge revenge, hey, isn't Julian McMahon the son of an Australian Prime Minister? I think he is. Didn't he have that trashy marriage to Danni Minogue, washed up breast implanted sister of Kylie Minogue? Why, I think he did. Does that make him Australia's answer to Paris Hilton? Well, probably not. Still, these thoughts went through my mind, and I tried to figure out if McMahon was trying to be like Kerry Packer or Rupert Murdock in the film. Maybe Kerry Packer's son. Well, after about forty minutes, I figured that this was probably not the case, but you know, if McMahon wore that mask and ran for leadership of the Labor party, I think he'd stand a good chance of winning.

"I am Julian McMahon. Vote for me or I will crush your testicals."

Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked.

Where was I, anyhow? Oh, yeah, the plot. People get powers. One goes insane. Another gets stretchy. One gets invisible, which means you can see Jessica Alba in her underwear, which counts as Family Entertainment these days, I think. The little girl doesn't do nudity, after all. Another of the radiated people gets fire, and the final one becomes freaky. The film mostly belongs to Michael Chiklis, who plays the Thing, simply because he's the only humanised character in the film, and plays to the Family Entertainment side. You've got to accept who you are, you know, even if you're radiated by a freaky space cloud and turned into an orange stoned monster for no particular reason except the vague sense of being mutated into the next evolution of human.

Which brings up an interesting point about this film. A lot of science babble is tossed around, but as far as I could figure, there's actually no scientific underpinning for anything in the entire film.

However, all this pales next to my creation of the Jessica Alba science speak fetish. JASS is what I'm calling it. JASS, essentially, involves putting cute glasses on Jessica Alba, having her hold some book like a schoolgirl, and say in a cute and squeaky voice, "A equals M C squared." She smiles a little and looks into the camera like a good porn star awaiting the load of sperm to be shot onto her face, which is quite likely what the twelve and thirteen year old science geeks are thinking will happen at this time. They go home thinking of Alba in those glasses and saying her little science lines and it's nothing but sticky cum everywhere. JASS. Sounds like jizz. No, there's no need to thank me. I give these things so that we can all be happy and at one in the world.

What Fantastic Four does have in common with, say, Batman Begins (other than sexual fetishes) is that the plot is, essentially, nothing more than the set of up a tv series. At the end of the film you're being primed to come back and watch until the end of the season. It's considerably worse in Batman Begins, because so much of the sub plots aren't tied up, but it's there in Fantastic Four as well. How will Reed Richards pay for the Baxter building? Will he get to cum on Jessica Alba's face? Does the Thing score with his blind black girl (because only a girl both blind and black could love a freaky orange guy)? And will Johnny Storm learn... um, well, something. How to love your friends, probably. My point, however, is that neither film is complete, and they are set up much in the way that the monthly comic is, which is without an end. So there is no real end to Fantastic Four, just as there is no real end to Batman Begins, outside the fact that they kick the shit out of someone.

I'm feeling pretty good about my time spent watching Fantastic Four. If was free. I have had a fun time typing this post, never thinking that I would be in a position to talk about Australian Politics and Cumming on Jessica Alba in the same post. Obviously, I'm a genius. Obviously, this film is for the family. It's family fun. So am I. I am available for children's parties.

"Now, kiddies, do you know who Jessica Alba is? Good. Let me tell you about JASS."


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Jul. 12th, 2005 12:39 am (UTC)
I like your movie reviews :)

My ex had a fetish for Jessica Alba (he has all the Dark Angel dvds and I can bet she's the star of a lot of fantasies)... so I found your review rather amusing!
Jul. 12th, 2005 01:49 am (UTC)
i've never understood the jessica alba thing. i mean, she's pretty, but in the regular plain hollywood pretty. if she had a bit of personality, you know? just a bit.
Jul. 12th, 2005 01:55 am (UTC)
Yeah, she seems kind of plastic - have you seen her with blonde hair? Doesn't suit her at all.
Jul. 12th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
yeah, she has the blonde hair in the film. i had no problems with it, though i prefer the dark hair.
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Jul. 12th, 2005 01:50 am (UTC)
yes, i did note that they didn't save anything or find a world in crisis. i couldnt' decide if that was a bold step or not, myself. i mean, a superhero film where the superheroes only save people on a bridge, and that only happened cause the thing smashed a truck.

i could have done with my industry killings, too.

but i can be pretty easy going about it. free, you see.
Jul. 12th, 2005 01:27 am (UTC)
I'm very deliberately not going to see Fantastic Four. Fox aren't getting my money. It looks absolutely hideous.
Jul. 12th, 2005 01:52 am (UTC)
you know, if you've got kids, it's an alright flick for them. when i said it was a family film, i meant that, and in the scheme of films for all the family, it's not half bad. but if you've no kid or no free ticket, then you've no point in going.
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Jul. 12th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC)
nope. never even heard of it. (last week i was reading more walter benjamin, people who wrote about walter benjamin, and a bit of t h white.)
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Jul. 12th, 2005 04:03 am (UTC)
i'm almost afraid to ask how this links to fantastic four.
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Jul. 12th, 2005 04:26 am (UTC)
i would buy that things are being made to be rewatchable. sure. but i don't think fantastic four shows much sign of this rewatchability. once would be more than enough.
Jul. 12th, 2005 03:50 am (UTC)

that was me. apparently i wasn't logged in.
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC)
I was just talking yesterday about the phrase "everything goes better with bukkake" (courtesy of Warren Ellis in Desolation Jones), and here you go trying to apply it to family friendly superhero films. Maybe for you, it might be true.

And its a little known fact that both Mark Latham and Bob Carr actually do have masks like that.
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
well, you got to make the best out of the things you get given, dave. that's why i'm the eternal optimist, i am.
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:27 am (UTC)
Funny thing is, I started reading your review thinking it was benpayne & I got to the porn star comment & thought, 'hmmmm...', scrolled back up, & went, 'oh, right, ok'.

heh. :)
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:31 am (UTC)
i see my reputation needs no work then ;)
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