February 16th, 2007


Valentines Day, A Conversation

C is in my car and I'm driving us to the video store.

"How was your Valentines Day?" he asks.

"The usual."



"So... it was different this year."

"Yeah, yeah." I come up to a set of traffic lights. Red. "How was yours?"

"I worked." C works as a nightshift manager at Coles. "I basically watched couples come in and buy flowers, chocolate, and condoms."


"Yeah, man, all one purchase. Shitty Coles flowers, cheap chocolate, and condoms that vibrate."


"Well, mostly it was just cheap condoms."

The light turns green. "So, you're, like, saying couples just come in and buy all this together?"

"It's not like one couple, either. One couple is not worth a mention of this. This is a whole evening of couples walking in and buying all three. It's kinda fucking weird."

"Coles flowers?"

"That's not the worse of it, man. One guy, he had to have Belgium chocolates. Like, from Belgium. Fucking dude had me looking through all these boxes of chocolates for where they're from. You know a lot of them come from Switzerland?"

"Can't say I've ever give it much thought." We are going over a bridge. Ahead of us a truck swerves round a corner, taking up two lanes. I slow. "That guy was there by himself?"

"Yeah, but he bought condoms too. No flowers. Chocolate is serious business though, man. There was this dude, he bought the wrong chocolate. Took it home to his girlfriend. She's all ready for flowers and chocolate and sex, whatever, y'know? And he comes back with the chocolate and she freaks the fuck out. Wrong fucking chocolate, apparently. So she makes him come back to Coles to return the fucking chocolate and get the right one. She stood there beside him."

We turn a corner. Nearly there. "What do you mean she stood there?"

"She came to the store, man, to make sure he got the right chocolate."

"That's kinda fucked up."

"Yeah, that's kinda fucked up. I don't think he was having sex that night."

"I kinda doubt it."

We pull up outside the video store.

"Hey, you know what I hear is a good film?"


"Footy Legends."

And later, we watched it, and it was truly a piece of shit. I appear in it about four times.