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September 15th, 2005

Things I Won't Do


Sell my kidneys.

Write a superhero comic.

Watch Ray Martin on television.

Meet Thomas Lynch.

Go back to being a projectionist.

Enter give aways in shopping malls.

Write hard science fiction.

Work in a cafeteria anywhere.

Steal bowling shoes.

Ice skate.

Read Heart of Darkness again.

Climb telegraph poles.

Publish something I hate. Again.

Dare children to jump their bikes over dogs.

Film children jumping over bikes and then send files to parents afterwards.

Name the file, 'Bobbysbloodystump' and 'Susiesteethareinhergums' and say, "They're just file names. Your children don't really scream and hold up their arms with bones sticking out. By the way, I took Susie's teeth out of her gums and now they're for sale back to you."

Meet Salman Rushdie.

Work on a University newspaper.

Watch A Current Affair or any of those Woman's Weekly current affair shows.

Do a work for hire gig.

Read another Chuck Palahniuk book.

Allow people to speak about the greatness of Palahniuk without immediate ridicule.

Put the photographs I took of the male toilet doors from the UNSW campus on my office door which say 'Sexual Favours in the School of English' though I kind of want to so I can watch the reactions as people pass.

Work a job I hate so long as I've no responsibilities.

Have responsibilities.

Write romance fiction.

Start a band.

Perform in an opera.

Pole dance three nights a week.

Meet Michael Ondaatje.

Promote religion of any kind.

Eat any kind of animal I can recognise.

Watch Dr Who.

Support your neurosis if it doesn't support mine.

Not support you.

Take you bowling for comfort in stolen bowling shoes.

Tell you On the Road meant something to me.

Read children's literature (or young adult literature or fantasy trilogies unless written by Michael Chabon, and even then I might not)

Pretend to care that children's literature is real literature.

Write children's literature.

Justify any of this.

Especially the bits that contradict.

But then again

I might have done all these things

And I might just do them all again, just once, for kicks.

I won't take your shit


I'll take my shit.

It's late and my mind is fried. Goodnight, goodnight. Goodnight.

Saturday Book Launch.

On this Saturday, 17th of September, and at 11am, there will be a book launch for The Year's Best Australian Science Fiction and Fantasy.


Infinitas Bookshop
Shop 22 Civic Arcade
48-50 George Street
Parramatta NSW 2150
02 9633 5682

Come along and buy some books and meet people. If you do, you'll be able to meet the award winning editors Bill Congreve and Michelle Marquardt, the multiple award winning independent publisher, artist, and author Cat Sparks, and the multiple award winning author Deborah Biancotti (deborahb). I'll also be there.

But I'll be late. Fashionably so, I assure you.