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June 3rd, 2005

Fuck Lost.

Fuck Lost.

I'm cutting that show out of my life. It's gone. Boom. Done. No more. It's the only serial I've been watching regularly, but that's it. There's nothing I'm going to watch on the box on a weekly basis, until South Park returns. Which'll be good, on one level, because I won't have to see that Blue Frog, but... well, I'm not quite sure what the bad is. Hopefully I won't become one of those people who tells everyone how great it is not to have a TV, because you know, there's nothing quite like chopping a communication tool out of your life to keep in touch with things.* At any rate, Lost last night was just such an insult on my intelligence that I just can't take it no more.

Fuck Lost I say.

Fuck it good and hard like the cheap whore it is.

I was at this point a couple of months ago, but I was told that I should stick around because people start getting tortured, they split the camp up, and other promises of nasty delight. I said, "But the hunter guy is stupid--how's he walking around like that? And the junkie gave up his junk in a couple of days! And what's with all the fucking cliches disguised as characters? And why--why is it when they need a trait like a builder, one of the characters suddenly says, 'Oh, hey, over here. I'm a builder. Yo. Me. Build.' It's gotten to the point that when they need an astronaut to fly them off the island on the space shuttle they build out of coconuts and palm trees, one of the characters we haven't met is going to suddenly reveal that he spent time in Russian cosmonaut training!"

It could happen. Just imagine the back flashes as they place our lost cosmonaut in Sydney.**

But what really grates on my nerves are the cheap, pathetic tricks they pull out to stop you learning anything about the island. The island is the only good thing they've got going for them, and yet we're stuck learning about these characters who can't die quick enough for me. (Kill Boone now. I can't wait. Kill him now. And don't even let me get started on the dream episode where he's fucking his not real sister and she dies but oh my doesn't really die. What a toss. I want real death and real incest.)

Last night's episode saw the return of the ridiculously pregnant Claire and her soon to be born evil baby. Naturally, the I-look-like-a-computer-geek-but-I'm-a-stone-cold-killer Ethan returned, and blah blah, they ambush him. They capture him and he looks at the modern glock pistols like he knows what they are and I think, great, we're finally going to get down to some torturing of the real kind and some information about the island.***

But no.

They don't want to tell you anything about their island because that would mean, I dunno, not dragging this thing out for ten years. So instead they have the Hobbit turned rockstar turned recovering junkie (ha!) shoot him.

In the rain and mud Charlie just picks up the fallen gun he's never used and while four people stand in front of the bad guy, he blows the mr villain away. All the bullets, I add, are centred in the chest just like recovering junkies who don't shoot guns always do.

Which means, of course, the episode was completely pointless, like pretty much every episode outside the first couple and that one with the kid who thinks of polar bears and they appear. (My only hope is that the whole island is a deranged fantasy of the little boy, because, frankly, with these characters, it feels like the whole show as been created by the over active imagination of a ten year old.) The Charlie killing episode was the kind of episode where you realised you just wasted your hour of life, and that this was the future of Lost, watching as they string you along with the tiny little hints of something that add up to nothing because they never lay ground work for you to follow through. Take the hatch for example. The hatch being kept a secret for no real reason other than it means that the show doesn't have to address it. (Like the big monster the characters see but the audience don't.) Will the final image of the series be some of the survivors climbing down the hole in the ground, thus suggesting that you have to come back next season to learn what was there (which you'll learn in back flashes, no doubt)? Well, last episode showed in the States a few weeks back, so you tell me.

So, I'm done with Lost. I'm surprised I lasted this long, really.




* That'll be kinda impossible anyway, since I'm not tossing my TV out the window or giving it to some bum so he can light a fire in it.

** And the back flashes are driving me insane. Is there really a point for this gimmick now?

*** Was it too much to go back for the crazy French woman? I know, I know, she's crazy, but there's over forty of them, so it should be enough to take her. They could even torture her for information, like she tortured the kind Iraqi soldier with a British accent who knows killing is bad because he worked for a corrupt dictatorship that ordered him to kill girls he had a crush on.