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April 29th, 2005

Begin.

(I am answering thirty questions. Any thirty questions, and we're counting backwards to number one. Who knows if I'll get thirty. The names of people involved (those who ask the questions) are absent and to the best of my knowledge, this is all true.)

28.


954.


It's four. Despite what so called learned people will tell you, it's four. It's always the last number. If you're asked the square root of 803024, it's going to be four. This is due to an important and yet mostly under examined cosmic law that has risen in relation to the increased use of numeric figures rather than letters to describe a number and which, it appears, has been designed to help those who suffer from acute apathy, also known in general terms as, "Being a lazy shit." As mentioned earlier, it is not a well known theory. This is because the information has only been released into the public information sphere as photocopied explanations written on the backs of dockets that have been made from the purchase forty four brightly coloured instant noodle cups. It's always forty four. Don't ask me why.

The general belief is that this solution to square root problems benefits apathetic men and women, much in the same way that a lizard can drop it's tail when being pursued by a sharp toothed enemy.

29.


Sex Food.


The best food for sex is cheese. Many people will say chocolate, fruit, and even that cheap greasy pizza, but I'm here to tell you that it's a dairy based product and it's cheese. The best kind of cheese is that which comes from a plastic wrapper, and which bubbles like the same plastic when cooked beneath a grill. Not many people know this, but that horrible burnt smell--much like burnt dog or burnt baby--you get is actually an aphrodisiac. You'll be erect for weeks after you go through twenty four slices of Kraft Sliced Cheese, and that goes for you women as well as men. Forget the spam, forget the lies, it's cheese that will have you fucking like there's no tomorrow!

I haven't had sex in years.

30.


The Orgy.


Unlike the answer to question 28, the perfect number of people for an orgy is twenty nine. The problem with seven is that it doesn't cover every sexual orientation and requirement that a general men or woman participating in an orgy will require sated. In truth, twenty nine does not does this either. The point was made by Doctor Numyre that you could not, in an environment as uncontrolled as a local drunken school/retirement village/soccer mum weekend orgy, have the percentages on your side to cover that rare person with the scatological necrophilia dominance fetish. He made this comment at the end of his ground breaking paper that was written in 1956. The year before that, in a secret testing facility, he and three other scientists staged six months worth of test orgies. During that time, number combinations were tested and tried and most came up lacking true satisfaction and over seventy two percent orgasm when held beneath the number of twenty nine. Once the orgy total was increased to thirty, it was revealed that this made the mass of genitals was too difficult to have every individual experience some pleasure, and clumps of men and women withdrew to the sides, clutching the pubic hair of other men and women. They sat alone and despondent in corners and sang tunes that would later be released by Bob Dylan.

This report can currently be found in a research library one hours drive out of Darwin. It's an easy text to find because the library, an ugly little squat thing surrounded by red sand, holds only the one text. There is, however, a two week waiting period for your library loan card to be approved.

Full Unit Hookup.

Mark Rudolph at Full Unit Hookup has bought my story 'An Examination into the Chinese Made Roman Toga' for a future issue that may be number seven, or may be eight (it's currently at six). Either way, that's a not so bad a way to begin the morning.

Conspiracies and Laziness

26.


That Word Cunt.


The answer is a male dominated society. The female genitals have become a taboo subject in language: we can only speak about it in clinical terms or cute euphemism, and everything outside that is a dirty, nasty word that is used either in dirty, beautiful sex or the worse kind insults. It's a scarce commodity in erotica, though popular in porn, and it's power is so much that people will lower their opinion of you if you use it. The reasoning behind this is based in the reasoning of a conspiracy, which exists only to denying females a strong sexuality and position of power within global decision making. The origin of this conspiracy is found in the Vatican, or as many know it, That Old Boys Club. In TOBC female sexuality is seen as a dangerous thing, though their reasoning appears to be based off rolling the bones of Jesus' dead hands. Those hands that, it is said, wanted to touch the cunt of a woman, but couldn't, and that desire lingered and festered as something unpleasant, deep within the bones, a resentment that built upon the power the woman held over Jesus.Thus the latent desire of Jesus has spread through the Popes who have rolled those bones to divine the future, and since they have set the orders, the hate has spread out like a virus into the minds and hearts of Christians everywhere.

Cock, of course, is fine to say. Males can say anything they want about their cock (including giving it different names). You can even have an anthology called Cock.

27.


Limited Words.


The amount of letters you can use in the answer box is due to my laziness. I simply didn't change the quota. See, occasionally there are huge conspiracies designed to take away your freedom of expression and, other times, it's just because there's just some lazy fuck in charge.

(I am answering thirty questions so feel free to ask a question.)