April 12th, 2005


Anna Tambour, author of Spotted Lily.

Anna Tambour is the author of Spotted Lily, what Keith Brooke called "a deal-with-the-devil story unlike any other you'll have read." Her story 'The Emperor's Backscratcher' is up at Infinity Plus.

1) You've really established yourself outside of Australia, to such an extent that, despite a collection and a novel, you might not be known here. What then, are the things that get you to begin a piece of work, what is it you wish to explore?

The weird world, otherwise known as the 'real world'--the known, the unknown, and the uproariously, tragically, inscrutably and outrageously figmental--vibrates my viscera. Often it's a headline or the story behind what isn't written, such as 'Tracking leads to vole's sex upset' and 'He threw pieces of tart at the police' and 'Pope's last words'. History and the non-human are always as much a part of this 'real world' as a drop of water is to the ocean.

2) Within the local scene, do you feel there is much of an outlet for work like yours, which is often described as offbeat due to narrators such as a donkey (telling the tale of Robert Louis Stevenson, no less)?

Much of my work, including my novel, has been set in Australia, as it's such a rich environment for fiction, so I hope there is an outlet. 'Offbeat' should be a plus in fiction, not a 'hmmmm'. Otherwise, we could just all read washing powder labels, and have done with originality.

3) How important is the history of the speculative fiction genre to your work?

Fairy tales are fun to play with. But then so is religious dogma. And so are old censuses and and royal pronouncements and advertisements and the Decameron. But thinking in terms of the history of speculative fiction genre is an un-'me' thought pattern.

4) You're dead. The donkey. Well. That donkey wasn't happy. You should have not had read him Animal Farm after the horse died. Anyhow, whatever, you're dead. You're in Heaven (assuming you believe, blah blah) and you see God. What do you say?

An assumption, indeed! But say I'm in this Heaven. Which god do I see? If it's the Christian god, then I suppose I could say, 'If you're looking for a fourth, I don't play bridge.' If it's Ganesh, I'd sit on his lap and play with his trunk.

5) Favourite swear word?

I used to make merchant seamen blush, but I got bored with standard English swear words when they became thought of as 'edgy' by people who aren't, which made them instant cliches. Now I prefer the long curses. In Farsi, for instance, there is no equivalent to the one-word English yawners. There are only long plot-filled curses, but English was once full of those plot-boilers, too, like this one from Shakespeare that I'm partial to: 'You'll be rotten ere you be half ripe.' But if someone said, 'You'll be shot at sunrise unless you choose a one-word-favourite swear word,' I'd probably say, 'Bloody hell, then it'll have to be "codswallop".'
  • Current Music
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Iain Triffitt, author of short fiction.

Iain Triffitt currently has fiction appearing in the anthologies Daikaiju!, edited by Robert Hood and Robin Pen, and Agog! Smashing Stories, edited by Cat Sparks.

1) You're a new writer on the scene. What would you say you goal is with your fiction and plays and why does that mean people should bother hunting out Iain Triffit's work?

My goal is primarily to amuse myself and shock and/or surprise the audience (in no particular order.) The two plays I co-wrote with Brett Danalake accomplished both these goals, and I'm still chuffed that Rob Hood thought my story was too dangerous for Daikaiju. The brave man decided to publish it anyway.

I'm trying to move out of this distinctly adolescent phase, and I guess my overall objective with my writing is to shift people's perspectives, to make people think something they've never thought before. I want to challenge people's preconceptions, especially my own.

I haven't thought about why people would bother seeking out my writing, maybe if you want to laugh and think at the same time and develop a case of conceptual hiccups.

2) What's your long term plan? Do you even have one?

The overall plan is to find a nice cushy writing job in radio and television, and use that to finance my short story writing. While I'm not trying to emulate his style (I can't drink that much) I very much want to emulate Warren Ellis' freedom of movement between mediums as well as genres. To be able to more than survive as a writer I want to be able to work in as many mediums as possible - prose, radio, theatre, I've even done a tiny bit of television (and Brett and I are working on tv scripts at the moment.) I'm working on a film script (aren't we all?) and maybe, just maybe one day, I'll fulfill every genre writer's dream and get my own miniseries with DC Comics where I get to kill off one of their second string characters.

I can dream.

3) Your honest opinion of the quality of the local scene, it's positives and negatives.

The first thought that entered my head when I read this question was the phrase "circle jerk". Which is unfair, but does sum up the ambivalence I have about the "local scene".

The positives as I see it are:

- there are some great writers out there, some of whom I'm lucky to know personally.
- there's a thriving small press scene supporting current writers and actively promoting new writers.
- Australian writers are making a greater impact overseas than our overall population would warrant.
- there's good eating at the various BBQs and writing groups.

The negatives:

- everyone's too cosy.
- Too many people have said they don't watch the news any more because it's so negative, and it's getting in the way of their writing.
- most Australian SF/Fantasy that I've read (and I really don't read that much now)seems to be recycling tropes that the US and UK have discarded, thus preserving our second string status.
- everyone's working on a fucking teenage (sorry - "young adult") fantasy novel - how many more do we need?
- the fan community seem to be bent on building the literary equivalent of the Israeli Security fence to keep the "mainstream literary community" out
- which isn't required because the "mainstream literary community" hate SF/Fantasy anyway.
- and the food at Magic Casements sucks. Honestly.

When I think about the local scene, I think of a story a Russian friend told me about the Tolkien fans in Moscow during the '70s. They were able to play rock music, smoke drugs and basically live as they liked without the threat of the gulags because the KGB judged them to be harmless. They had absolutely no interaction with the outside world, and therefore it was easier to leave them as they were. They were no threat to the state, lost within their own community of self-gratification.

I think the worst thing a writer can be is harmless.

4) You're dead. The tax department poisoned your mail in an attempt to not pay money to people. You go to Heaven (assuming there is, blah blah, you know the drill) and God is there, waiting. What do you say?

"You're pretty small for a consensual hallucination."

5) Favourite swear word?

It's more a phrase - MF Christ - short for Motherfucking Christ! - it kind of describes a spiritual feedback loop
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Grant Watson, editorial committee member at Borderlands.

Grant Watson is part of the editorial committee at Borderlands. It sells for ten bucks. I just love that cover.

1) Borderlands. Has the reception for it been what you expected? Give us a bit of a run down on what you did expect, if it went that way, if it didn't, and what's the idea you've got for the future?

Well the first expectation, which I think was one of the worst-kept secrets in the Australian SF small press, was that what we now know as Borderlands 1 was originally intended as Eidolon 31, so I guess there's a big gap in expectation versus reality right there.

I suspected very early on that we would wind up being pidgeon-holed somewhat as a journal with a fairly dark tone, more horror and scary SF than bright shiny spaceships and unicorns. That suspicion seems to have largely come true, but I like my fiction fairly dark anyway.

I've been disappointed at our lack of local awards, to be honest. We've yet to manage a Ditmar or Aurealis nomination, despite making Ellen Datlow's recommended reading list several times. In the balance, though, I know which I would rather have...

Overall I'm very happy. We've edited five issues of what I think has been some of the strongest genre fiction Australia's had in the past few years. I'm proud!

2) Your script work (plays, tvs). To be honest, I've only the vaguest knowledge of what has been done, so give us a run down of what you've done there and what what you look to put in your work?

Frames (1997), Degree Absolute (1998, re-written 2002), The Angriest Video Store Clerk in the World is not a Number (2003), You Only Rent Twice (2004), Serpentine (2004).

A Primitive Othello (1996), Hamlet (1997), R3 (1998), Much Ado About Nothing (2000), Hamlet (again, 2001), Nineteen Eighty Four (2001), Frankenstein (2002), Mapping Lear (2003).

The Angriest Video Store Clerk in the World (TV pilot and series treatment, 2004).

As for what I try to put into them? Enthusiasm, mainly. Despite my current TV comedy work I generally enjoy writing dark, confrontational scenes. Good arguments. People shouting at each other in dark rooms.

3) You really can't be honest about Keanu Reeves getting better for each film, can you?

Absolute I can. What I appreciate about Keanu is that for many years he has successfully balanced making populist, easy-to-act comedies and action flicks with challenging roles in serious dramas. So he'll go off and make Bill and Ted, and then try to stretch himself in Much Ado About Nothing. He'll make Speed, then turn around and do A Walk in the Clouds. He's a very understated actor, which I think many people confuse with "wooden", and I really don't think that's the case. Constantine and The Matrix are great examples, where if another actor played the role they would have chewed the scenery.

4) You're dead. Film critics beat you senseless for your wild theories on Keanu. You go to Heaven (assuming there is, you believe, you could afford, blah blah) and there's God. You say?

"Holy fuck!!! You're REAL?!!!!"

5) Favourite swear word?

Probably fuck. Bollocks and shite if said by an authentic Scottish accent. I believe that the Scottish accent was invented for swearing. Or swearing was invented to accommodate the Scottish accent. Either way the two go hand in hand like the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers of the English language.
  • Current Music
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Lee Battersby, author of The Divergence Tree.

Lee Battersby's first collection The Divergence Tree will be released within the next couple of months. He'll also be appearing in upcoming issues of Borderlands and Aurealis shortly. Remember, you want to talk to folk, use the comments. Direct contact. Make noise.

1) You're one of the new writers to emerge in the last five years, beginning in 2001 and a massing an impressive amount of sales within Australia. Now with your first collection, the Divergence Tree, has there emerged a set of concerns or themes that you have been focused with? And is one of the hopes with the collection to push to find an International audience, given that much of your work has not had the chance to find them so far?

I made a very deliberate decision, early on, to write something substantially different to my last effort each time I sat down at the keyboard. My career, such as it is, seems to have been a succession of 90 degree turns. It'll help me out in the long run, I hope, when I have to release a range of novels to survive. What comes out, when reading 25 or so of the tales in quick succession, is just how much of my work involves loss, and how few happy endings I tend to write. It probably reflects something deep within my own psyche: I am, by nature, cynical and pessimistic. Also, much of my work falls into a category I have trouble defining. It's certainly not science fiction, and it's not traditional fantasy. I think where I'm headed, generally is to a career of weird tales that, even if they bear the trappings of genre, can't escape the writer's need to subvert and twist. Even when I write a traditional fantasy, such as "Through the Window Merrilee Dances", the Princess is mentally retarded, the gardener who loves her is a cripple, the royal marriage is a cynical political manoeuvre... it just doesn't come out of the pen straight.

I do want to find an international audience. I want to make a career from writing, not be just one of those guys who published some stories and what happened to him anyway? To do that, it's important to walk upon a world stage. The collection might help, but over the long haul it'll be getting my mug in magazines, getting a US agent, getting novels on bookshelves, all the usual guff, that will be do the job. Certainly, having a collection out helps: I've got 3 agents in the States asking to see bits of my first novel, so who knows?

I look back at some of the sales I've made and feel like I've undersold certain stories, but that's the risk you take when you put something in an envelope. It took me a while to back myself to the point of hitting big markets first. Now that I'm doing it, I expect my appearances in Oz mags to slow a little, because it's going to take longer for stories to come back from overseas, and there's a bigger pool out there in which to submit. But Australia is where I live, where my love lies. I can't envisage a year without having a story in a local magazine. I like the way Sean Williams does things. No matter how big he gets, he is still just Sean, the guy who'll bid $120 for a piece of fan art at a con auction, and who'll give a story to Mitch?. He's still in it for the love of it.

2) With such a prolific output (37 stories in 5 years) do you hold concerns that, given the size of the Australian scene, you could create an over saturation?

Well, there's about a gazillion magazines in Australia right now, not counting the well-paying, well-distributed ones (ie: the non-genre ones :) ) Quality is always going to get picked up, sooner or later. If I'm selling, I take it to mean that I'm writing good stories. If I'm writing goods stories, then the hope is that readers are enjoying them. It depends. I'm hardly Stephen Dedman when it comes to being prolific, but I'm no Ted Chiang either. At the moment I'm averaging something like 10 sales a year. There's, what, 6 issues of ASIM, 3 of Borderlands, 3 of Fables, 1 Orb, 1 Agog, 2 of Aurealis (allegedly)... there's an awful lot of pages I'm not filling.

Without wanting to sound bigheaded, if people are sick of seeing my stories, they could always try to writer better ones... Terry Dowling does, and Rob Hood, and Stephen Dedman, and Sean Williams... I'm hardly top shelf yet. The difference is that people above me in the food chain had their time saturating the Oz magazines and have moved upwards to selling predominantly overseas. I know one big name writer, for example, who turned down an invitation to be in Lyn's issue of ASIM because it simply wasn't worth his while appearing in an Australian magazine: it didn't pay enough, didn't get seen by enough of the right people, didn't have a big enough circulation. That's not a criticism of the writer. Far from it. It's a recognition on their part of where their career path lies.

Besides, I've always been fairly open in telling people that the reason I engage in the writing business (as opposed to just writing, which is a different thing) is fame. I love being recognised. I love receiving fan mail. I love to see people reading magazines with my stories in. That happens with Oz magazines. The buzz factor is fun. I bet there's not a dozen people in Australia who've read my story in All-Star Zeppelin Adventure stories, which paid 5 cents a word and came out form a US 'small' publisher, but I know that every story I have in ASIM gets seen by 500 or 600 people. Fame, baby :)

3) What is your critical opinion of the work currently being published?

I think a lot of it is crud. So many stale fantasies and crappy, semi-humorous fuzzy bunny stories. If I see one more story where a teenage girl discovers she is the source of wild magical powers and the true inheritor of a kingdom, with a badly-executed Freudian dragon ride dumped in the middle, I'm going to start climbing water towers.

There are very few writers in this country who push the envelope on a consistent basis. People seem afraid to chance their arm in case they get rejected, which is getting the chicken before the china shop, in my opinion. Writers should be daring editors NOT to publish the amazing piece of utter bugfuckery they've placed before them. We should be emulating the Waldrops and Besters, not the Jordans and bloody Weiss'. But hey, the path of least effort and all that.

I think the proliferation of magazines is partially to blame. It's relatively easy to get published right now, certainly much easier than it was in the early 90s, for example. I remember reading Aurealis and Eidolon when that was all there was. Now we have enough magazines that we started Ticonderoga Online to publish only one type of story, as does Shadowed Realms, Antipodean, Dark Animus... We're specialising. You can only support that level of specialisation when there are enough markets that writers can take a chance on writing a specialised story, because there are alternative markets if one magazine rejects it. The downside is that most writers try to hedge their bets, and write strictly down the middle of the road.

I do think there are a large number of writers doing the rounds who have developed enough skill to get published by the usual suspects, and have progressed no further. Why try to develop your craft when you can write a half-arsed quest fantasy with a dragon, teenage girl, and comic-relief hobbit, and pick up 25, 30 bucks? These are not writers who are in it for the craft, or the art, or the career. They're people who want to sit around the bar at their local freecon and jaw about what a tosser editor X was because they rejected "Floppy The Bunny God", but they sold it to editor Y so ha ha ha. The next "Bug Jack Barron" or "Repent Harlequin, Said The Ticktockman" isn't being written by these people. They're too busy writing the next "Lord Of The Rings" without realising it's already been fucking done.

If the markets suddenly halved, I think a lot of writers would be out on their arse. But the good writers will sell no matter how many markets are out there. Halve the number of magazines and Deb Biancotti will still place. So will Rob Hood, Stephen Dedman, Geoff Maloney, Trent Jamieson. Quality will out.

4) You're dead. You got one of those nice groupies that likes to follow you and murder your bunnies, and you indulged, and it went real bad. Still, dead is dead. You go to Heaven (assuming you believe, blah blah) and you see God. You say?

Heh. Boy, I've seen a lot of funny answers to this one. I'm going to pontificate instead.

I'm an atheist. God does not exist. Religion, as far as I'm concerned, is no more than a crutch, same as alcohol or cocaine. It's a way for people to absolve themselves of responsibility. Organised religion is downright evil. My wife Lyn is a believer, and she has her reasons, and I support her, but it's not enough to make me believe that religion is anything more than comforting fairy tales to keep the badness from the door.

I'll grant that some people need those fairy stories. If I'd suffered the lifetime of abuse that Lyn has, well, I might want something to believe in too. Sometimes the load is too great to bear. But I have respect for those that carry their religion close to themselves and take it out when they need something warm to wrap around them. Turn up at my doorstep on a Sunday morning with a briefcase full of pamphlets and I'll feed you to the squirrels, whether you bow down to the big Charlton Heston impersonator in the sky or Binky The Sun Gopher.

5) Favourite swear word?

I've been swearing a rather long time. I tend to use it like punctuation. As Billy Connolly says, it doesn't matter how large my vocabulary gets, I still prefer to use 'fuck'. These days I often run
them together. Hurting myself generally gets a 'jesusshitfuckcuntshitcuntfuckSHIT'. My long term fave, however, is "JesusssssufferingFUCK". To get the effect right you have to hiss it through clenched teeth and make the words as short as possible.

Polysyllabic cursing, Ask for it by name :)
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Ben Payne, co-editor of Aurealis.

Ben Payne is the new co-editor (with Robert Hoge) of Aurealis. The site appears to be down, and Ben and Robert's first issue hasn't arrived yet, but Ben has a livejournal and I'll provide a link for that. benpayne (Cover is taken from a previous issue.)

1)Having recently taken over the editor chores (with Robert Hoge) for Aurealis, how have you approached forming a vision for a magazine that, ten years ago, was a strong force in the genre, but has in recent years lost some of its power and market presence?

I think one of our main tasks is keeping the magazine consistent, in both the quality of its stories and the regularity of its issues. Also, we’re keen to expose the magazine to overseas readers, and to increase our local presence outside the fan scene. But I’m sure these are ambitions common to most magazines in the country.

But as far as forming a vision, I’m wary of over-thinking stuff like that. Ultimately, we’re going to buy the stories that we like best from the stories that people write and send to us. It’s as simple as that. Of course we’ll be bringing our own tastes and knowledges and hopefully that will be a good thing, but ultimately the magazine is as good or as bad as the writers who submit to it. Luckily for us there are a lot of authors writing good stuff right now.

2) What kind of fiction do you think has a home in the Australian scene, and what kind of fiction do you think has a harder time?

This is such a tough question.

I think the increasing number of small press publications has really helped in this regard. There are a lot more styles and types of stories being published now than there were five years ago, imho. I think there could be more really good hard sf published, but I think the reason there’s less of that is that it’s so hard to write, rather than a bias on the part of magazines. And, from my experience in various slushpiles, there seems to be less of it being written.

So it’s hard to say what type of fiction has a hard time finding a home, and what’s simply not being written that much. My personal hunches would be that maybe local mags prefer clearly structured stories to more experimental stuff, that maybe they’re predominantly plot-based. I’d like to see a bit more grit, and conversely, a bit more playfulness, and a few more emotions laid bare. But like I said, maybe that’s not so much about editors’ tastes as it is about what’s being written.

And like any categorisation of this sort, it’s all in the eye of the beholder.

3) You edit your own magazine Potato Monkey, you work with Robert Hoge on Aurealis, and you have worked with an Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Group. Each of those is a different form of editing, and I'm curious about what attracts you to each, and how a Ben Payne style of editing can be maintained in the last two.

ASIM is kind of interesting. I guess I was attracted to it at the start because it just seemed like a nice kind of quixotic adventure. I’ve always been attracted to gestures of insane optimism, and starting a bimonthly paying semi-pro publication certainly seemed to fit that bill. I guess I also shared the sense among many that spec fic was in danger of taking itself too seriously. Looking back, I’m not sure my own sense of fun and playfulness was all that similar to most of the collective, which is probably a good thing because I doubt my particular sense of humour would have been as popularJ

As far as tone goes, I’ve never thought about it too much. Apart from making sure my issue wasn’t entirely made up of dark depressing stories, I just tried to pick the best stories I could. That’s not to say that the magazine had no effect on the process. On the contrary, the stories that I had to pick from were those that writers had thought were ASIM stories and stories that had made it through two rounds of slush. But I didn’t feel that kind of “How do I make sure this is an issue of ASIM” weighing heavily on my mind…

Aurealis I was attracted to because, well, it was Aurealis. It was one of the big two when I first entered the scene, and I guess I thought it was important that it continued. I didn’t in a million years expect to get the gig, but I’m glad we did, and I hope that the commitment and passion I have for the genre in this country enables me to do a good job at it.

Aurealis will be my first co-editing experience, in that while ASIM is a collective, editors pretty much work alone. So it’ll be interesting to see how that works. Robert and I have been arguing about stories at Vision meetings for a number of years now, so I’m sure we’re used to it by now…

I guess I’m avoiding the last part of your question, because I’m not sure yet if there’s a Ben Payne style. I guess maybe that’s something I’ll be able to see more clearly in five years, looking back. Or maybe it’s something only other people can see…

4) You're dead. It was in the papers, everywhere, and all those bodies... Lets just not talk about it. You go to Heaven (assuming there is, blah blah) and you see God. What do you say?

I always liked Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s question of whether it would really have been too much trouble to poke a hand out from a cloud once every few years and say “hello… still here…”

And Kurt Vonnegut’s motto, which was something like “live so that you can say to God on judgement day, ‘I was a very good person, even though I didn’t believe in you’”.

Or maybe just quote Avril Lavigne… “Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?”


Actually I’d probably just invite him for a beer and ask him what he really thinks of Christians :)

5) Favourite swear word?

Cunt. The best swear words are usually the most offensive because they remind us how absurd we are...
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Robin Pen, co-editor of Daikaiju!

Robin Pen is the co-editor (with Robert Hood) of the anthology Daikaiju!

1) It's been a while since Australia has seen something as substantial as DAIKAIJU! emerge with Robin Pen's name on it. Does this signal an active return writing (assuming your absence has been by choice), or is it more of a one off project?

Yes the absence has been by choice although not a choice I had much control of. When I first decided to be involved with DAIKAIJU! I wasn't so aware that this would lead to a return to the scene but by the time boxes of this volume were sitting in my home I think I was ready to get back into things. Now I'm quite enthusiastic to get some work done. I hope to have a substantial small press project out early next year and in the meantime to get back to the writing and see what happens. I have remained semi-attached to the scene, with some web writing and having a strong friendship base in the scene, but it feels time to be more actively involved again. Of course, some will be laying bets.

2)What kind of issues are raised in producing an anthology that is born from a sub-genre of movies and literature that many might not be familiar with?

Firstly, I like to point out that Robert Hood did much of the work on DAIKAIJU! I said Robert did 90%, the publisher said 96%, I think she may be more accurate. To Rob this was a true act of passion and creative dedication. To me it was a bit more of an intellectual and critical exercise fuelled by a strong belief in Robert's vision. But getting back to your question; right from the beginning we were not quite sure what kind of work would be inspired by such a "hokey" sub-genre (one I do love, by the way) and which writers would apply a literary slant to it. In the end we didn't have to be worried. Indeed, it soon became clear we were going to get the full spectrum of what such a concept can bring about. The results have been rather exciting and entertaining with straight out adventure to satire to surrealism to post-modern SF to imaginative fantasy to whacky comedy to some rather moving and thoughtful pieces. I doubt many people will be right with their preconception of such a collection. I know I wouldn't have been. Basically, the inherent absurdity of such a concept requires some real imagination and talent to either make the story convincing or to make it a worthy narrative tool within the story. I think, besides being a fun read, this has been a remarkable exercise in exploring the tools of fantasy and science fiction. And being a po-mo kind'a guy I thought the whole thing kind'a keen.

3) You've been connected to the Australian scene for a while now. What do you think it has enough of, and what do you think it needs to keep growing?

I think the Australian scene is very healthy considering it can never really be a large community as compared to the US scene. But in the same way we do well in world sports, regardless of our relatively small population pool, I think Australians in the F&SF writing scene should be largely pleased with how well they've spread out into the international market. But one serious problem of a small community is the lack of willingness to be more critical of itself. It's hard to write negative reviews when you probably know the writer or publisher personally. I recall that Simon Brown did a short story review column for Eidolon where he'd only talk about the stories he really liked and would avoid talking about anything he would be negative about. Simon still got rebuked by one publisher on a community mail forum over what stories he didn't review (the idea that by not mentioning work he was giving it a bad review). But I think when Martin Livings did his no holds barred reviews for Eidolon he did a good service. It had finally been said that there was work being published that wasn't good enough to have been published. We need to mature and realise that support for the growing scene means the community must also seek to raise the bar on itself. I think Eidolon played a crucial role in that and I think publications like AGOG! are helping to make the garden stronger with their harsher pruning. Still, having said that, I think we have to keep developing our community network (inside and outside Australia) and maintain our support for fellow writers whom usually are or will become friends anyway.

4) You're dead. It happened in a really, really, really *tiny* toilet. Not many people came to your funeral. Anyhow, you're dead: you go to Heaven (assuming you believe, blah blah) and you see God. What do you say?

Was that in a toilet with an over-sized Star Trek fan, an inflatable Spock and a goat? I have nightmares about that.
Anyway, I go to heaven and come face to face with that God guy.

I say, "So you *do* exist. Well you did a pretty lousy job of showing it. Ya putz. Like everyone else, you want my respect, you earn it."

Then again, God might drive a mustang and be great at parties. Thus he might be a cool, swingin' dude. So, If we hang out a bit, shows he's loose and with it, then I might think he's alright.

Still, he's got a lot of explaining to do.

5) Favourite swear word?

Fuckin' fuck fuck of fuckin' fuck you fuck fuck.......fuck!

That felt good. Think I'll do it again...

Go fuck ya fuckin fuck, just fuck ya fuck fuckin fuck fuck! And the horse you road in on.

Hmm, like having a shower...

Fuckin' fuck, go fuck a fuck you fuckin' fuck fuck fuck...............
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