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February 24th, 2005

Seed of Chucky

I imagine that the letter to Jennifer Tilly went something like this.

Dear Jennifer,

Hi.

How you going?

Can I just say, I loved you
Bound. That's my favourite film in the erotic lesbian crime genre.

Anyhow, we're making a new Chucky film. Word is you really enjoyed the paycheck for
Bride of Chucky, so we want to offer you another one. We're going to call it Seed of Chucky, and naturally, we want you to return as Chucky's psycho doll girlfriend, Tiffany. But there's more this time. In fact, we want you to play yourself making a film about psychopathic Chucky and Tiffany dolls that go around killing people. We want you to play Tiffany. By that, I mean we want to dress you up to resemble the doll, so you can be a life sized version of that in the fake film within the real film.

That's just the start of the film. The real film, I mean. It centres mostly around Chucky and Tiffany discovering that they have a gender identity confused child (voiced by one of the Hobbits from
Lord of the Rings) and they want to give up and be good parents, so long as they can use a voodoo curse to put their minds in real flesh bodies. As part of this plot, you will, naturally, be subjected to the voodoo curse by being impregnated by the semen of Chucky, which Tiffany (voiced by you) will place inside Jennifer Tilly (the character, played by you) with something that might be a Turkey Baster.

We've also convinced John Waters to be in the film, under the condition that he'll get to take photos of Chucky jerking off, and say, "Bless the little people!"

A contract is attached for you to sign.

Yours,

Directors, Producers, ect.


In case you're thinking I'm making this shit up, I'm not.

Seedy of Chucky isn't a good film. I'm sure you're shocked by that. But frankly, it's so weird, and so over the goddamn top, and just so... odd, that it doesn't matter that it's not a good film. In addition, Jennifer Tilly's portrayal of a puking, Julia Roberts hating, egomaniac fading starlet is nothing but fun.

Hilton Phone Book.

Did everyone get a look at Paris Hilton's phone book a couple of days ago? I did. It was pretty boring, and I kept thinking those pictures of Paris making out with a girl were fake, but that's just me.

Anyhow, this is what she said: "I feel horrible that, once again, someone has invaded my privacy. I want to apologise to all my friends and family. I don't know why this stuff always happens to me, but I wish it wouldn't anymore."

I don't know, could it be possibly because no one likes you? Because you're nothing more than a spoilt little brat who was born into wealth and is now spending her life in parties with drugs and booze and clothes that most of us can't afford to look at? Could it be that you're a vacuous little fuck of a girl?

Could it be, I dunno, that your face is being forced into my fucking mind and scarring it just because you're rich and fuck unimaginatively?

Might be.

Anyhow, I wish I had the ability to hack Hilton's phone. I'd do it. Then I'd call Lindsay Lohan and pretend to be her drunk and abusive father and demand naked photos of her, again.

Lohan, by the way, had this to say: "It's crazy. I even got an email from someone pretending to be Hugh Hefner."

It's tough being rich and famous, isn't it?




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