July 9th, 2004


The Five Minute Rhyming Spiderman 2 Review.

I went to see Spiderman Two
as I had nothing else to do.

It starts with paintings by Alex Ross,
then mentions Michael Chabon's name;
I had heard neither through the goss,
and this made me feel rather game.

Chabon wrote Kavalier and Clay,
and others, all that I recommend still.
The film was really ordinary, okay,
but the books are a total thrill.

Spiderman Two appears to have a villain,
but the real focus is the bland relationship:
it is boy meets girl and girl doesn't bill him
making it so vanilla it's Christian hip.

The problem is with character:
Peter Parker is a piece of nerdy wood
Mary Jane is a pretty, whiny factor
and Spiderman should've been killed in the hood.

That doesn't even begin to explain others,
like the friend who isn't a friend but a drunk
the doctor who is like the surrogate geek father
and the old lady, the newspaper guy... utter funk.

Spiderman in action is a slippery bit of blue and red
but I saw the majority of that fun in the trailer,
leaving scenes of Spiderman without his head
which I have to say is a bit of a failure.

You would think with Spiderman taking off his mask
every ten minutes, in alleys, in trains, everywhere,
"Isn't this a bit much?" might have been asked,
but it appears that this was not given much care.

That pretty much sums up the plot of the film:
Spiderman takes off his mask, says, "Who am I?"
"I'm a mad scientist," replies Doc Ock in another room,
and the Old Lady replies, "Shut it. Heroes don't cry."

I hope you've learnt from my little (and bad) rhyme
not to get your hopes up about Michael Chabon.
The script is by the Smallville guys--I missed it at the time
otherwise I would have expected the ho hum.

There is really nothing special here,
go spend your money on beer.

(and yes, i know it's bad. of course it's bad. i wrote it in five minutes, hence, y'know, the title.)