December 24th, 2003


Scene from the World.

It's just before eight tonight, and I'm driving on the road, the occasional bit of traffic around me like spilled old change.

I wish I could say I was thinking about something important. World politics, Third World poverty, the illegal detention of people throughout the world... but honestly, I was thinking about a bottle of tequila that came with a red cap that was shaped into a tiny red sombrero. I can't even remember what the tequila is called, only that it came with this cap, and that for some unknown reason, this made the bottle so much more inviting than the alcohol around it. Such shallow reasoning, but then I don't really drink, so that's what I go on: odd bottles, colours, things that come with worms that soak up the liquor and taste like a foul bolt when you bite into them.

All of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted by a ute, bursting past me. It's white, mostly, full of rust, and without any hubcaps. Hardly a unique sight. Except that in the back of the ute are hundreds of tiny loaves of bread. Those dinner rolls. In addition to these loaves of bread are yellow plastic sheets, sticking out at odd angles, but clearly not meant to cover the bread which bounces and tumbles around in the back of the ute and as he barrels past.

All I could think was I sure hope he stole that bread.



what would you like for xmas?

a while back, the question was asked on one of the lists i exist electronically upon, and this is what i wrote:

i want hitler's head in a clear jar to bring back to life. i want the little savage to have the tiny mustache, because it's not really hitler if he doesn't have the mustache. then i'm going to hook his head up to the power cable and pump some life into it, in a scene that will vaguely resemble nineteenth century scientists bringing frogs back to life. i imagine he will flop, and bop, and jitter a little before opening his beady brown eyes. i don't imagine he will say much at first, but i'll hook him up to some fluid, and drop him in front of CNN for something like fifty six hours, and i'm sure he'll talk then.

my plan, once the old fucker's head is blinking and talking like he's got some purpose, is to fill him with information about current political leaders. your george bushs, john howards, your robert mugabes, and so on and so forth. then, once hitler is filled with opinions, i plan to take him on a world tour, just me, hitler, and a wooden stool that i can put his head on. the title for this tour is not figured out yet, but i'm thinking 'hitler and me' or 'the miracle of modern science but i didn't use stem cells'.

the format of the show will be pretty simple: i'll ask hitler a question, and he'll respond in his own filthy, small minded, racist way.

"what do you think of robert mugabe?" i'll ask.

"for a nigger, he grows a fine mustache."

i doubt i'll get it, just as i doubt an aircraft carrier is making its way towards me, but still, i thought i'd share.