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June 27th, 2003

Bulletproof Monk.

i saw Bulletproof Monk and i want my eight bucks back.

this film is so bad, that it makes you wonder what crime chow yun-fat committed to be forced into it. was it smuggling cocaine? did he vote in the oscars? what the hell did you do, chow? surely it wasn't anything involving the smuggling of illegal animals across the mexican border?

in case you're wondering what Bulletproof Monk is about, here it is: in WWII, a bunch of monks had a scroll that when read would bring peace on earth or hell. and you know, the nazis, being everywhere, are in tibet when chow becomes the new protector of this scroll without saying, 'hey, boss, why don't we just read it and give everyone paradise?' so. you know them nazis: they charge in, scream about superiority, and kill everyone but chow.

sixty years later, chow needs a successor and the nazis are still chasing him. cue american punk seann, who runs films and learns martial arts from them. (having once been a projectionist, let me say: hahahahahahaha. and the reel of film he wacks on to the projector is twenty minutes, not half a fucking bruce lee film, which is like an hour. god.) also, cue the cute girl, who cannot, with a straight face, say the line, 'the street is where i will earn my respect.'

chow, you were smuggling children out of china, weren't you? they caught you with a truck load of them, right? they said, ten years in prison or this film. that's what they said, right?

okay, so, the film is about basically three prophecies coming true, successor, beating up some nazis and chow wondering why hotdogs come in packets of ten, while the buns come in eight?

however, the biggest problem with this film, is that over the years, chow has had the scroll tattooed onto his body, and memorized the last line. now, i don't know about you, but that sounds an awful lot like reading to me. i mean, i could be wrong, couldn't i? maybe it's not. maybe reading is something different for a monk. all spiritual and having to do with the hotdog packet, perhaps?

i don't know. i don't care. this film is bad. avoid it. ask yourself how the man who was once in Hard Boiled, the Killer, Prison on Fire and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, could end up in this film.

terrorism links, right?

god, i hope so.