i watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone the other day.
what the fuck are you people thinking?
i don't dislike kids films. i like Hercules, and Transformers and a whole bunch of other things. i've even read one of the lemony snicket books. the first one. i don't hold it against something if it's for children, because children should read. and you know, potter clearly is a childrens book, so i don't hold it again them. but what baffles me is how all you adult people out there are into it. i don't get it. okay, i haven't read the book, but, due to the well publicized strangle hold that jk rowling has over the films, i'm forced to reach certain conclusions about the entire series:
1) harry potter is an insipid little twat.
2) his friends are two dimensional dolls with catch banal phrases bursting out in the disguise of characterisation. 'bloody good!' i say.
3) someone informed me that harry and the girl, whose name is fucking awful, will have their first sexual experience in a later book. i don't know if this is true. i don't care. all i could think of, however, was the line, 'let me show you my wand, little girl,' and a long line of pointy hat wizards leading into her room.
4) is there any conflict in the book?
5) 'oh, look, harry's done it again.' yes, isn't he just fan-fucking-tastic. you know, if he doesn't fail every now and then, there's no real sense of achievement. i know, i know, he's brilliant or some such fucking thing. but please. please. make him work, just a little.
6) adults are stupid, aren't they?
7) wands, pointy hats, and cloaks. what, rowling couldn't come up with an original take on magic? couldn't have given it just a little bit of flavour?
8) the nimbus 2000 vibrates, you know.
9) complete strangers send me invisible cloaks every day, don'tchu know? (okay, that might just be the film.)
10) i'm told, and i don't know if this is true or not, but i am being advised to put it down, that rowling and potter are 'the poor man's Narnia.'
11) you gotta feel sorry for alan rickman, don't you? he couldn't even chew on the scenery and be an entertaining villain like in Robin Hood because, well, he was obviously not the villain. just misunderstood in black. strangely, i could sympathise only with rickman's character, and only over this point.
i could go on. i could. i'm sure, if you're eight or ten, the books and movies are great. just fantastic. but if you're older? come one. slap yourself. there are very good books out there, offering you things not nearly as conservative as this fantasy. (and don't you think there is something wrong in saying that a fantasy is conservative?)
i will be taking complaints about this between the hours or four and six. pls make an appointment.