April 14th, 2003


Fat Pizza

i saw Fat Pizza last night.

is this the perfect australian film? it's certainly the one i've enjoyed most. it follows the four employees of fat pizza through a day in their life. bobo, the chef, has a mail order bride coming and will be married the following morning; however, he's too cheap to pay her airfare, so she's snuck in as a refugee. pauly, one of the delivery boys, has a run in with the mcdoggle franchise, midgets, an ugly baby, and the onboard computer of his car. sleek, the second delivery boy, is tormented by the fat girls he uses to sleep with their attractive friends; but he is also chasing attractive men because he's an in the closet bisexual, and he is also being chased by cops (and may i say, the bit where the cop rips him from the car and starts beating him while screaming, 'this is for September the 11th!' is utterly hilarious), and has various crime syndicates chasing him from sleeping with their daughters and posting it on the net. and lastly, the new delivery boy, davo, has a few drug problems.

the movie is, basically, off the wall bad taste humour. no one is spared, not the police, not the lebanese, not the australians, not the midgets, or the asians, or the greeks... no one. utterly no one.

and it's great.

'police are targeting lebanese' claims one sign. later, it claims to be targeting the drug supplier, habib. there is, of course, lots of drug usage. most of it by davo, who's personal history is drug habit followed by religion to clean him out followed by the return of a drug habit due to disillusion with religion.

there is sex.

there is violence.

a nearly extinct animal is stapled to a table. a midget is beaten. mcdoggle clowns are repeatedly beaten. it's all over the top, and funny.

i could go on, couldn't i? Fat Pizza is based off the sbs show on Monday nights, which i also like. (the killed dougie the pizza boy, after all.) if you don't like that show, you won't like the movie. if, however, you like the show, you, like i, will be proclaiming it the finest australian film made since Chopper.

the film even has kamal in it, who has the final words:

'why are people so unkind?'


Thirteen Fifteen

My phone is ringing at one in the morning, again.

There is no caller ID. It's a private number, and the girl on the other end, I already know, is somewhere between thirteen and fifteen. She thinks that my name is Philip and that I am refusing to talk to her, since the first time she called me, she was quite drunk. But we're beyond that now.

The ringing continues, growing louder because I was once stupid enough to set the tone to 'ascending' and can never remember to change it in the morning.

I grab the phone, and the squeaky but rough voice of the girl says, "Hello."

"Hello," I reply.

"Who is this?"

It's always the same. Her name, when I bothered to ask, was either Jade or Christina (or was it Christy?). I imagine that she's blonde--but not that true blonde, blonde from a bottle. She's skinny, runty, and with a splatter of pimples. I think of her as white, but that's just a cultural thing and if, at one o'clock, I was feeling more creative, I'd perhaps think of her as Egyptian and Asian.

"It's Roger," I say.


"Sure, it's Roger. I'm an eighty five year old degenerate with a bag of piss strapped to the side of my leg."

It frustrates her, I think, because I've kept this up for a month now. Once she spoke to me for an hour while I had nothing better to do, telling me all about her apparent sexual episodes. The reason she was telling me this, apparently, was because I had either a) a small penis or b) no penis at all.

I told her I had no penis, and that my fetish was for golden showers. Or, in Roger's case, golden bags, because there was nothing better than unstrapping my bag of piss and just emptying it upon the face of teenage girls who call me in the middle of the night.

She screamed and called me a pervert and calls me every weekend. Most of the time I'll just let the screen flash green but occasionally, I'll pick it up. These days she isn't even drunk.

I don't understand it, but it's better than watching the television and slowly dying, isn't it?
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