January 28th, 2003



They caught me in the backyard, playing with the dog. The claw came rushing down, snapping harshly around my waist, and I was airborne, the dog howling as I disappeared into the... well, there wasn't another word for it: the flying saucer. It looked just like the saucers from the movie Mars Attacks.

They probed me in the ass, in the nostrils, down the throat, through the ears, and with a tiny sliver of something up my penis. It was all quite painless, and I'd be served food that was quite undescribable, even in colour. After a while, the probes finished, and I indicated that I wanted to go home, to feed the dog, call the girlfriend, those kind of things.

The aliens stared at me. I imagined that they were blinking, but lacking eyelids, I could never be quite sure. They they threw up their arms and began dancing around, letting out high pitched sounds while rummaging through their draws. It didn't take me long to figure out that they'd completely forgotten the way back to Earth and lost the piece of paper with the directions on them.

Just great.

But I was prepared for this, and I held up my Location Earth Dog Tag. A short time later, they were dropping me off, doing a dance around the yard that was, move for move, identical to the munchkins dance number in the Wizard of Oz.

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