December 29th, 2002


Lord of the Drugs.

i have a theory about the first lord of the rings film.

basically, the whole thing, the ring of power, the forces of evil, they're all inspired by 'old toadie' which we'll just call a nameless and unidentified drug. whatever suits your purpose here, basically. be it pot, be it crack, acid, whatever whenever. if you fill like it, name the drug that you think everyone is stuffing into their pipes when something bad happens.

but it's true.

every time someone starts muttering about a Dark Power or the Ultimate Evil in those drug addled conspiracy ways, the pipe has been brought out and their puffing away at it. remember gandalf in front of the fire, before frodo comes home, afraid to pick up the ring unless he gets caught by the big fiery eye? puffing away on his pipe, his eyes all over the place, muttering to himself.

and what's he puffing away on right as bilbo turns invisible?

gandalf: the addict.

in the inn, where frodo turns invisible beneath strider's gaze? what's the ol'lost king puffing away on there? the pipe. puff puff--oh my GOD THAT GUY JUST TURNED INVISIBLE!

and i mean, who better than to have the good hallucinating drugs than the ranger? in the woods, alone with his pipe and the occasional visit from his good old friend gandalf? for all we know, it's probably strider and his secret plantation out there in the hills of middle earth that are being a supplier for everyone?

and you know, frodo is a bit partial to the ol'pipe. isn't it just possible that he and bilbo have smoked more than they should, and the other hobbits have shown up on the doorstep with come cake and cheese and confronted them about their little problem? surely we've all seen a black rider of doom when the withdrawal symptoms kick in?

but there's trusty ol'gandalf, with his pipe and a hint to hit the road where you can find all them tasty mushrooms...

and the dwarven halls? all filled with dead? tell me you didn't see gandalf sitting there, smoking his pipe, fueling his drug addled dreams. powerful wizard like that on drugs? what good could come from it.

every time something comes along in the fellowship of the ring, something dark and nasty, something that looks just like a bad trip someone has been sucking back on the pipe.


sometimes they affect more than just you. that's what lord of the rings is telling us. all of us. watch it, and watch the pipe smoking, the mushroom hunting, and, if you need any more evidence, hobbits getting the munchies.
  • Current Music
    Godspeed You Black Emperor - My Morning Jacket - I Will Be There When You Die

Human Nature.

the movie, not the band.

in fact, when i got called about this movie, my response was, 'but i don't want to see a shitty boy band.'

anyhow, the film is seriously faulted. it's basically about sex, and a woman who has body hair, a man raised to think he was an ape (by his father in such a way), and another man obsessed with table manners. they all want sex. that's the common link, and it's a touch weak in this situation. surely with such odd things, there could have been a better thread to bind them and run the plot of the film? anyhow, the film does have a certain weirdness that keeps one going, and the acting is serviceable. miranda otto is wasted as the sexy (or trashy) assistant who speaks with a french accent.

however, the film does have a midget, and a woman covered with body hair, plus a couple of table mannered mice, and the uptight parents are pretty funny. a person could do much worse if they went to see it, but they could also do somewhat better.
  • Current Music
    Godspeed You Black Emperor! - The Dead Flag Blues

I Shower.

From Wired:

"Waterproof books, used mainly by skin divers and foul-weather hikers, are finding a new audience among people who simply enjoy a nice warm bath.

The new dunkable books are made not from trees, but from plastic resins and inorganic fibers.

Melcher Media, a New York-based publisher, is promoting books that are manufactured using a technology it calls "Durabooks." The books' pages don't absorb water, and they stretch instead of tearing. Other companies make waterproof books with standard wood-based paper that is heavily laminated in the printing process."

And the book in question:

"Water -- the most sensual of elements. Consider its nature: it can be gentle, warm, delicious. It can trickle over your body, dampen your skin, wet your thighs. You might be caught in the rain; first a sprinkle, then a drizzle, then an engulfing downpour, a torrent, a tempest -- which suddenly dissipates to a fine mist, leaving you drenched, deluged, flooded. You can immerse yourself in a steamy shower, a tub, a pond, a can even dance in a puddle. Or you may prefer a tropical lagoon, a harbor, a gulf, or a sunny, secluded cove. And of course, even if you stay at home, there's always ice. Ice cubes, icicles...and after the ice, the thaw.

Aqua Erotica is a new anthology of writing from some of the best of today's authors. As well as being a sexy, intelligent, and engaging read, the book has a special extra feature -- it's waterproof, from the pages to the ink to the glue in the binding! Read it in the bathtub or on the beach -- leave it immersed in the pool. It'll be perfectly readable when you take it out again, and we hope you choose to read it over and over and over again."

  • Current Music
    Godspeed You Black Emperor! - Providence.