kate beckinsale looked pretty good.
the movie looked pretty, too.
it was really stupid though.
i mean, like, wow, my god, how fucking stupid is this? it actually occurred to me, somewhere during the film, that the vampires and werewolves in it didn't actually need to be there. the film could have been about midgets and dwarves, knee deep in a war for centuries. in fact, about twenty minutes into the film, when the vampires are standing in front of mirrors and admiring their clothes, i decided it was probably best to think of them as midgets, and the werewolves as angry dwarves. surprisingly, it gave the movie an extra amount of depth that i had not yet previously spotted. when you think about it, it really is tough being a midget, because when you get to a high enough rank in the midget world, they tell you that, even though you're immortal, you have to be put into a coffin for a couple of hundred years to jump through time.
i could just hear the midgets saying, but we're fucking immortal? where's the point in that?
to which a bunch reply, in a musical number, that there are rules. important rules. no one quite knows why they're important to the midgets, because it's forbidden to research midget history, despite the big fat books and, you know, immortality. there are rules, and the midgets, because they are midgets, are stupid.
not so the dwarves. they're just angry because they don't get the respect midgets do, and because there was a whole slavery thing, where while the midgets slept and regained their power, the dwarves did all the work. mining, hi hoing, rescuing princesses that they would then fall in love with. that sort of thing. in fact, you could almost say that the dwarves are linked to the nasty slave history of midget america, which is shown when the midget lord is bought back out and, pissed off for being forced into a hole while being immortal, he begins speaking in a southern accent.
of course, despite all this, what really happens when midgets and dwarves fight is love. it's kind of natural, when you really think about it, and i urge you to actually not do that, as i'm trying not to. well, i lie, i'm thinking about midget kate beckinsale having sex right this moment. there's leather. hmm. yummy.
so yeah, that's underworld. it's got midgets, it's got dwarves, and it's dark and a little stylish. there are worse things.