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How I Can Fix Cinema With One Idea

I have the scifi wire feed on my blog, mostly for the amusement it provides me regarding cinema and literature. Today, for example, it informed me of a new Predator film written by Robert Rodriguez some fifteen years ago, and called Predators.

The intent is obviously to capture the sequel feel that Cameron's Aliens had, though I suspect that this film won't have it. There's something about character descriptions that make the weapons they carry seem more interesting than the actual characters, plot, or anything else, that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. However, perhaps "Cuchillo, a Mexican enforcer for a drug cartel who has twin uzis strapped to his back" does it for you. If so, you'll enjoy watching the Latino Review's take on the script, which is apparently awesome, and features the Black Super Predator. For me, I just don't know what to start poking at first: the fact that someone thinks Black SUPER Predator is awesome and that BLACK Super Predator isn't automatically dismissed as a possibly racist thing, or the fact that I wrote a whole paragraph on this. The original Predator film was an alright B-grade action film that was mostly about homosexual men who can't come to terms with their repressed sexuality, but I don't understand why people want to keep making new versions.

Which, of course, brings me to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street:



Sure, it has Clancy Brown leading lynch mob to kill a man, but--and perhaps it's just me--the trailer makes it look like Freddy Krueger has been wronged, and now is out to get revenge. I'm sure it's not, but, actually, that would be kind of awesome. Maybe there could be an exploding helicopter and Freddy could be in a wild car chase before he gets one of the teen girls.

Man, the more I think of that, the better it sounds. No one ever actually watched Nightmare films because they cared for the actors, or the protagonists--they watched it to see how Krueger was going to kill someone. Turning him loose on the teen starlets of Hollywood sounds like it's the best thing ever. You could open the film with him sitting in his dream living room, watching some flick, and then he comes across a remake of a film he dug some twenty years ago, and they've basically jazzed it up, added some cute young jailbait, and put some dramatic music in it. Sitting there in his dream armchair, Krueger gets annoyed. He thinks, 'Fuck me, why can't there just be new things? I'm tired of living in this stagnate film Hell that Hollywood has created, this fake shell of creativity that supports its own rotten core. Someone ought to stop these people.'

Next thing you know, Krueger is taking a bus to Hollywood.

(crossposted)

Comments

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angriest
Sep. 29th, 2009 02:08 am (UTC)
I'm tired of living in this stagnate film Hell that Hollywood has created, this fake shell of creativity that supports its own rotten core. Someone ought to stop these people.

Wasn't that Wes Craven's New Nightmare?
benpeek
Sep. 29th, 2009 02:09 am (UTC)
my version has more car crashes.
angriest
Sep. 29th, 2009 02:25 am (UTC)
Well there is something to be said about Freddy Krueger behind the wheel of an automobile.
catsparx
Sep. 29th, 2009 02:57 am (UTC)
your version sounds neat
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