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Okay.

Okay?


I have a new plan, Cas.

Lets here it.


We pull the car over.

Where?


Here.

In the middle of the fucking freeway?


In the middle of this goddamn giant fucking freeway, we pull over. It’s only four lines of full traffic to the side of the road, shouldn’t take us less than ten minutes. Maybe less if we’re lucky. I’ll just bully my way through.

Once we reach the edge, we get out of this fucking car.


Leaving the car doesn’t solve our problem.


I’m not finished.

See, once we get out of the car, we use our automobile expertise to take it apart.


Our expertise?


Then, from the parts, we use our brilliant minds, and build a time machine.

I see.


Thus, once we have assembled our time machine from the parts of this fucking car, we can finally go back in time to yesterday, we can be like that dude from Quantum Leap, except we won’t drop into our own bodies, no; instead, what we’ll do is appear before ourselves just before we walk into the car rental place, mere minutes before we tell the guy at the desk that no, we don’t really need a GPS device.

Your plan is to go back in time and beat ourselves up?


Whilst screaming, THERE ARE NO MAPS FOR PURCHASE IN LA!

This is a plan without flaw.


Thank you.

Also, where’d these fucking cars come from?


I don’t know, but you’d think one of them would have a map--

Shit, there’s sign says to the airport!


Fuck!

We had to go up that ramp.


That ramp disappearing into the rain behind us?


That ramp.

Shit.


No.

No, it’s not a prob. I’ll just take the next exit and back track.


I feel like such a fucking hick on this freeway.


It’s only the traffic that makes me feel like I’m from a small, backwards country here.

I’m just going to hang a left off this exit, okay?

I don’t see why not.


If we come across a chemist, pull over, alright?


Why you want chemist? They don’t sell maps.

It might sell laxatives.






I’m pretty sure this isn’t the time for laxatives.

What with us being hopelessly lost and all.


It has stopped being painful.


I’m sure this is a bad sign.


I’m not doctor--

Yes, you are.


Oh.

Right.

Well, in medical expertise then, I’m sure your fine. I’m sure the absence of pain is part of the normal way these things go.


There’s that word expertise again.


It’s a good word.

You don’t know fucking shit about shit, man.


Don’t get fucking pissed at me, man, I’m fucking driving.

You’re the fucking reason we’re lost!


Hey!

Don’t make me drive this fucking car into the walls of Dodger Stadium!


We aint’ anywhere--

Hey, that is Dodger Stadium.


I was hoping I misread that.

I don’t think Dodger Stadium is near the airport.

Or, like, the freeway.


If I find a cliff I’m going to drive this car off it.

Just find the signs again, and we’ll go back to finding the airport.


I think we should ask someone.

Again?


When we pass someone, I’m going to stop and ask them.

That didn’t work at all the last two times.


If you spoke Spanish, it would.

You’re blaming me?


It’s convenient.

Besides, you had that yelling thing a moment okay.


Yeah, man, I’m sorry about that--


Car parking lot!

Huh?


Car parking lot.

People who work in them ought to know where shit is, right?


Like people who work in service stations?


That would’ve so worked if you spoke Spanish.

That’s true.

Okay, ask this dude.


Okay, lemme drive closer.







Hey, mate, I’m not from around here and I’m bit lost.

Think you could maybe help me out?




Ah, sorry, mate, I only speak English.

Bit of French, if it helps.




Dude on the other side? He speaks English?

Right, sweet, thanks, mate.






Really, Spanish.

I should’ve learnt it.


So many things I need a time machine for.


Do you realise you use mate a lot when you’re being Australian?


I don’t try to be Australian.







Hey, mate, hi.

I’m just wondering if you could help me out-I’m not from around here and I’m fucking lost as, you think you could help me?




Just the airport, mate.



So, down this road, hang a left, follow-did you say Hope Street?



Shit, you did say Hope Street.

Okay, then I just got to get on this express lane that’ll take me pretty much through there?




Alright, thanks, mate. I’d offer to have your children if this works out, but, y’know, men--all that birthing bullshit isn’t something we really do.





You did that just for me, didn’t you?


I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mate.


Haha.


That dude has probably sent us back to fucking Dodger Stadium just because of that.


Nah, nah, look, Hope Street.

It’ll be all sweet.


And if not?


Spanish phrasebook?





Hey, he wasn’t lying: the freeway.


Fucking awesome.

Now we just need to find that express lane and we’re fucking gold.


You know, the sad thing is, we’re not even driving for the hostel we’re staying at.


All this effort just to return a hire car.


Yeah, it’s a retarded, but--

No fucking maps.


Anyway, what were you saying earlier, man?

I just didn’t meant to get pissed. Just had a fight with Charlie last night, so…


Yeah, I heard.

I figure she’s kind’ve pissed because I didn’t go back when her old man went into hospital.


She said it wasn’t serious.

He had a heart attack.


Heart attacks are kind of serious.

You offered, though.


She said it was fine.

She said there was no need to come back. I mean, if he had died, I would’ve gone.


I probably would’ve gone back, myself.

I mean--

Just--

Snake Boy, y’know?


Yeah.

I got this feeling, right, I got this vibe-it’s like this bubble sitting right inside me, that the dude has fucking appeared while we’re here.

But more than that, I reckon he has said the right the words for the moment. He’s told her how he is here for her, how he’d always be here for her, and--


Hey, the express lane.

You even listening?


Yeah, man, I’m with you.

Look, what can you say? You got to have faith, man. You can’t think the moment you’re not there, she goes off and sleeps with Snake.

I can’t?


No, and you can’t definitely think that they filmed it, and you’ll accidentally find it when you return?

That thought hadn’t crossed my mind.


And you cannot think that when she does some new and freaky thing that you really dig that she learnt it from him.



And you can’t--

Shut the fuck up.


Haha.

Yeah, you laugh.

She doesn’t like you.


Obviously.

Well, the reason she doesn’t like you is cause you took a shot at Snake the first time we met.


You can’t see my tears because they’re on the inside.

See, Snake is her best friend.

You can’t talk to her about him loving her, because she just shuts it off, and won’t hear you say a word against him. It’s jealousy if you do. I mean, she used to talk about it, but she just sits there silent until you press it so hard, that she gets angry at you.


Doesn’t it upset you that she hates me?

No, not in the least.

Though I did think she made a mistake trying to set you up with her friend who has the facial scars and takes baths with her dog.


Thanks.

But you’re ignoring the fact here that he will try and be that guy she she leans on right now.


Or sleeps with.

I dunno why I tell you this shit.


Neither do I, but cheer the fuck up, man, cause the airport is in front of us.

Heeeey..

Fin-fucking-ly.


All we got to do is part this car at the rental place, drop this car off, and find a fucking cab to take us to the hostel.

Finally, we can pay someone to take us where we need to go.


Now, where can we ditch this car?





(crossposted)

Comments

( 2 Soaking Up Bandwidth — Soak Up Bandwidth )
switchknitter
Oct. 8th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
LA traffic is evil. It's the reason I hated living there.
benpeek
Oct. 9th, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
the strange thing about it was that i found it a lot less aggressive than sydney traffic. there was just... so much.
( 2 Soaking Up Bandwidth — Soak Up Bandwidth )