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The Awesome that is Vanilla Ice



Vanilla Ice is, without hesitation, the worse live act I have ever seen. Scheduled to appear at one in the morning--well after New Year's--to perform for an hour, his forty five minute set was defined by lateness, a lack of charisma, stage presence, singing, and band.

Not only was he awful, but the Coogee hotel venue was, while a perfectly acceptable place to sit and drink, not really the place for music. An awful sound system, a smoke machine that could only be described as over zealous, and a set of bouncers that, when it came to clearing room around the stage, decided that they would get a table and place it on its side and use it as a battering ram, kind of explains their foresight and approach to the matters. In addition to that, I am sure that at one stage I saw some guy wearing the Borat Thong Swim Suit that he does being escorted out, while protesting that what he wanted, more than anything in the world, was to be on stage with the Ice.

At New Year's, about five minutes after the time clicked over, P (who said, 'How do you plan to write this up on your blog?') said, 'I am way too sober for Vanilla Ice.'

I (who never doubted Vanilla Ice's ability to give me something to write about), said, 'Tequila,' but there was none of that to be found, because, while drinks inside the house were free, they had a number of things they were pouring, and shots of tequila were not one of them. So, with the classy and desperate realisation that, if we weren't a little drunk for Vanilla Ice, we'd have a real problem--especially when he spent half the set with the mix machine, or walking around bashing a symbol with a drumstick, instead of, like, performing--we did what anyone in this situation did: we skulled cups of vodka and orange. That is, until cousin R appeared, and went for awful shots of coke and rum, which really, were just wrong.

But after enough free drinks, I was ready for the Vanilla Ice experience.

It was, I assure you, Awesomely Lame, and I regret nothing.

Welcome to 2008, people.



(As a postscript, afterward, Cousin R told me gleefully that she had touched Vanilla Ice. Touched him! With Vanillia Ice Disease now, we took her too the disease wards, and she has been there ever since, subjected to chemical scrub down. Later, as we sat outside ignoring her screams, P said to me, 'Have you heard that what you do on New Year's Day defines your year?' I can only take that to mean that MC Hammer will be touring in a mix of preaching and rapping, or whatever it is he does now, and I will apparently be there. In Borat costume, perhaps.)

Comments

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catsparx
Jan. 1st, 2008 05:02 am (UTC)
I saw some guy wearing the Borat Thong Swim Suit that he does being escorted out, while protesting that what he wanted, more than anything in the world, was to be on stage with the Ice

Come on, fess up. That guy was you, yeah? How many drinks did you have???
benpeek
Jan. 1st, 2008 12:18 pm (UTC)
i had to drink my way through the 140 price tag for the night! how many you think i had?

i actually have no idea where the borat thong guy came from. i turned round cause a bunch of security were next to me, and next thing i knew, this dude was there. i remember thinking he had the body hair for it.
crookfactory
Jan. 1st, 2008 05:49 am (UTC)
'Have you heard that what you do on New Year's Day defines your year?'

Does that mean that you'll be a lame ass for 2008, living on former glories (albeit all 10 minutes of it) whilst trying to do the Running Man and drinking your year away? ;P

And what's with the last pic?
benpeek
Jan. 1st, 2008 12:20 pm (UTC)
Does that mean that you'll be a lame ass for 2008, living on former glories (albeit all 10 minutes of it) whilst trying to do the Running Man and drinking your year away? ;P

...wasn't that 2007?

;)

no, man, i laughed at all the ice stuff, and was chilled and good with the rest of the nite. i have decided this shall be my year.

the pic? why that is the stage. and maybe the table. see, the gig had a problem with the smoke machine, as in, every five minutes or so, it would be so thick with smoke you couldn't see anything.

well, maybe every ten mins.
kazzibee
Jan. 1st, 2008 11:35 am (UTC)
ooh, i am going to spend the rest of the year lazing about and whining "OH IT'S TOO HOT"?
benpeek
Jan. 1st, 2008 12:21 pm (UTC)
just buy an air conditioner ;)
lucius_t
Jan. 1st, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC)
In a curious coincidence, the nickname of the fighter I went to see in Vauge-ass was "The Iceman." I hope it's case of great minds lame alike and not some kind of weird contact lame. ;)
benpeek
Jan. 1st, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
this fight no good then?

me, i hope it's a contact lameness. i want you to pass it on. i think if it doesn't get passed on, we could be in for some suffering ;)
kazzibee
Jan. 1st, 2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
easier said than done! we want to get a proper one but the body corporate wants to charge us millions of dollars just to APPLY to get it mounted on the outside wall of the building.

and the portable ones aren't much chop.

meanwhile, the kickarse fan will have to do!
ex_chrisbil
Jan. 1st, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
Tell me he performed like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A7tLVIsuNw

Sounds like you're in for a hell of a year!
benpeek
Jan. 1st, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
no, he didn't perform like that. it was much more... well, crap. much, much more. it's really undescribable how crap he was.
paulhaines
Jan. 2nd, 2008 12:23 am (UTC)
Ha ha! Christ, you're a glutton for punishment. Coogee Hotel sure as hell ain't the right place for good ole Vanilla Ice to play, more likely he'd melt in a big gooey puddle.

I'd been reading the interviews with him before you started blogging your intentions, and he just cracked me up with how hard he thinks his music is now, and this massive hard-core youth following he has in the states.

How'd the crowd find the man?
benpeek
Jan. 2nd, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
most of the crowd was into it, but it was not the kind of into it vibe that gets given off when they're into it for the music. mostly they were about pushing onto the stage, dancing, shoving and all that drunk shit you get at one in the morning.

truth is, he really didn't have to do much but show--the crowd was like that crowd you get at a pub who've been drinking free booze since nine pm, and just want to dance, y'know?
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