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The Sample Citizenship Test (A Dialogue)



1. In what year did Federation take place?

Are we talking about when the British invaded and dropped their convicts here?

No?

No. Okay. Okay. Federation. Right. Sorry. Okay, that's when we became our own, independent country, and threw off the shackles of the British, and were no longer their colony for criminals! I remember that day! That was a glo--

Oh, wait.

Do--do we celebrate this day?


2. Which day of the year is Australia Day?

Now we're talking about when we invaded, right? When the British dropped their unwanted here, and then the unwanted decided they didn't want the black people here, and proceeded to try and exterminate them. I know all about this one. I read about that. What's interesting is that we still call it Australia Day and celebrate it.

What was the date of Federation again?


3. Who was the first Prime Minister of Australia?

Is that like, a president?


4. What is the first line of Australia's national anthem?

Oh, oh, I know this. I know this. Let me hum it for you:

"Australians all let us rejoice for we are young and free..."

Don't you find that ironic?


5. What is the floral emblem of Australia?

Chains!

No, no, wait. That's a joke. Honest.

Seriously. Joke.

No, really, I want to be serious here. I'm making a serious point. Um. Come on, have a laugh. It'll lighten you up. You're so--so serious.

Anyhow. Anyway. Flower. Floral.

What do they make beer out of again?


6. What is the population of Australia?

Including detention camps?


7. In what city is the Parliament House of the Commonwealth Parliament located?

Oh! That's like the big round house, right?

I have a map to that.

I bought off this Aboriginal dude in a tent. He, uh, seemed kinda angry.

You might, like, wanna address that.


8. Who is the Queen's representative in Australia?

Oh.

Can I go back questions? I think I answered one wrong. I thought we weren't, like, a colony no more. I thought we were like, a real country.


9. How are Members of Parliament chosen?

Chains?

That answer has got to be right at least once.


10. Who do Members of Parliament represent?

Americans!

...

Oh, come on!

How's that wrong?

Prove! Prove to me it's not them!


11. After a federal election, who forms the new government?

George W Bush?

No, wait. Sorry. You frowned so much in the question before. Um. Christ. Is it the Queen then? I mean, if we're still a colony shouldn't it be our lord and masters who do that?


12. What are the colours on the Australian flag?

See, that's an American reference, right there!

Come on!

How am I wrong?


13. Who is the head of the Australian Government?

No?

What do you mean no?

What do you mean it's some little racist deaf dude?


14. What are the three levels of government in Australia?

I think the real question here is why you have a racist deaf dude in fucking charge?

Okay. Okay.

I'll let it go.


15. In what year did the European settlement of Australia start?

...

What are you, testing me?

See, after that long a time. After a couple of hundred years... What I'm saying is that it's time to address the nature under which this country fucking founded.


16. Serving on a jury if required is a responsibility of Australian citizenship: true or false?

It's just nothing will get resolved this way. Nothing will be made right. Nothing will be able to move on. You'll just start repeating things, you know? Continual bad blood will be there.


17. In Australia, everyone is free to practice the religion of their choice, or practice no religion: true or false?

Hahaha.

You seriously can't be asking me that?


18. To be elected to the Commonwealth Parliament you must be an Australian citizen: true or false?

...You are?


19. As an Australian citizen, I have the right to register my baby born overseas as an Australian citizen: true or false?

You don't care what I say, do you?


20. Australian citizens aged 18 years or over are required to enrol on the electoral register: true or false?

WHY DOESN'T MY OPINION MEAN SOMETHING?


Link.

Comments

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ironed_orchid
Aug. 27th, 2007 06:24 am (UTC)
So the head of the government is now to be know as the LRDD...
benpeek
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:50 am (UTC)
just rolls off the tongue, don't it?
ironed_orchid
Aug. 27th, 2007 11:16 am (UTC)
I'm going to pronounce it "lard".
(Deleted comment)
benpeek
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:48 am (UTC)
yes. absolutely. he's very happy.
ex_chrisbil
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
Thank God Australia was the land that he was completely randomly born into, utterly outside the will of his-self, or he might have had to live somewhere else!

(Did I mention that I think boundaries, borders and VISAS are bullshit?)
mattdoyle
Aug. 27th, 2007 08:08 am (UTC)
"...and then the unwanted decided they didn't want the black people here, and proceeded to try and exterminate them"

hmm, I think the "history wars," while they have died down a bit, are still ongoing, so the jury is still out on this one. not the most nuanced answer to the question, but then these bullshit citizenship things are about as far away from nuanced as you can get.
benpeek
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:35 am (UTC)
well. you know, i wouldn't exactly call this post nuanced.
fred_mouse
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:49 am (UTC)
that was fabulous. Unfortunately, I can tell that you haven't studied for this test, and thus you don't deserve to pass...
benpeek
Aug. 27th, 2007 10:56 am (UTC)
aw.
simplykathryn
Aug. 27th, 2007 01:08 pm (UTC)
Luckily for me I already have citizenship, I only know about half of those. Maybe.

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