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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - "Jesus, man, were we the fucking oldest people in that cinema?"

C and I are walking through the foyer. It's mostly empty, ten thirty at night, the parents taking their kids out straight away--no time for credits, bless 'em.

"We needed a kid to justify going to these movies," C says. "This is becoming a need, y'know?"

"I don't want some screaming bag of meat around."

"I'm going to ignore that 'cause I know what you do for a living."

"Fuck you."

In front of us, a huge display board for Grindhouse emerges. A woman with a gun in her leg. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. I hear they're splitting up the two films now, but maybe that's just in the States, where it has only made eleven million in the first week, and not twenty. Poor studio babies.

C says, "See, it's saying shit like this that has people call you a cancer."

"It's not shit like that. It's different shit."

"You picking on people who can barely write, yeah? Same fucking dif."

I roll my eyes.

"I hope you put this on your blog, man," C says. "That fucking thing is brilliant."

"You don't even have the fucking internet. What do you care?"

"I'm a people person. People matter to me."

I laugh. "Loser."

We are walking down the foyer stairs. There are stains of popcorn, coke--though it could be any drink, really--and empty bags down it.

"Anyhow," C says, "I actually kinda dug that film."

"Was better than 300," I reply.

"Faint praise from you, dude."

"No, I liked it--it was funny." We pass an usher with a broom, sweeping the foyer. "It just had my fucking pet hate in it, that's all. That prelude shit, y'know? I mean, they put these preludes on films that tell you what the whole plot of the film is, and then they repeat it as they set up for the climax. It's so fucking ridiculous. You have the heroes kinda go through the motions of finding out what the bad guys want, and where they're from, and what the fuck they're doing--but the mystery is fucked, because the prelude told you all that shit right at the start so the audience is just sitting through this tedious exposition like you're a fucking pre-school monkey--"

"Like a horror writer!"

"That shit is uncalled for, man."

The glass doors slide open and we step out into the dark.

C says, "I'll give you ten bucks if you post this on your blog."

"Can I say this shit was uncalled for?"

"You'd be lying, man, cause you just laughed."

"I'm trying to make a serious point about the film," I say.

"Dude," C says, drawing the word out. "Dude. We just fucking watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles surrounded by parents and kids. It's a kids film. I got a few laughs. You got a few laughs. It looked cool enough. Do I gotta repeat that it's a kids film? No ones gives a fuck what rant you have going on."

"How about that it was a sequel for a film made seventeen years ago?"

"No one gives shit."

"Someone might."

"You believe that?"

"I could if pushed."

"If."

Silence.

We walk across the car park. Second time in a week. The shopping trolley is gone, but otherwise it's the same.

Finally, as the car draws closer, I say, "Ten bucks, hey?"

Comments

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shadowsandice
Apr. 15th, 2007 11:39 pm (UTC)
Ditto the prelude crap. It seemed like an excuse to have Laurence Fishy open his mouth, and that's it.
benpeek
Apr. 15th, 2007 11:56 pm (UTC)
yeah--i mean, if you're going to pay for him to talk, why not give him a part in the film? he sounded a lot like patrick stewart anyway, so it was a waste as far as i was concerned.
shadowsandice
Apr. 16th, 2007 12:10 am (UTC)
It's not like he narrated anywhere else in the movie either. It's just lazy storytelling.
benpeek
Apr. 16th, 2007 12:15 am (UTC)
totally. it's treating your audience like they're morons.
catsparx
Apr. 16th, 2007 01:24 am (UTC)
We watched a neat turtle movie the other night: the new Gamera movie "Gamera the Brave" if you're gonna do turtles they should fly and fight monsters I say.
benpeek
Apr. 16th, 2007 01:42 am (UTC)
if they're not ninjas, i just can't go it.
catsparx
Apr. 16th, 2007 01:46 am (UTC)
and you wonder why mainstream culture rejects you
benpeek
Apr. 16th, 2007 01:59 am (UTC)
no i don't.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 16th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC)
But you got $10 out of it right, so it can't all be bad.

---factory farmer
benpeek
Apr. 16th, 2007 02:15 am (UTC)
and i didn't pay for the movie. i had movie money i'd gotten free with some meal.
speshal_k
Apr. 16th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC)
Surely the original only out, like, 15 or 16 years ago - not 17!!?

(And, ps, haven't there be at least 2 if not more sequels since the first anyway?)

(I saw the original, but never bothered with the sequels. I was kinda into the turtles back then, but I never had the figurines like my brothers did)
benpeek
Apr. 17th, 2007 03:45 am (UTC)
1990 it go released.

i saw the second sequel, i think, but i can't remember any of it. the third one, no.
speshal_k
Apr. 17th, 2007 08:36 am (UTC)
You know, I was *sure* I didn't see that movie until upper high school (91/92 for me)

(and yes it was at the movies)
speshal_k
Apr. 16th, 2007 02:58 pm (UTC)
Donatello was my favourite cos he wore purple and was the smart one :-) I didn'tt mind Michaelangelo, but Raphael was just so *angry* - especially in the movie!!
benpeek
Apr. 17th, 2007 03:47 am (UTC)
my favourite was raphael. shocking, huh?
speshal_k
Apr. 17th, 2007 08:37 am (UTC)
You angry, angry man :-)
benpeek
Apr. 17th, 2007 09:04 am (UTC)
he spoke to me. strangely, he was still my favourite in the cartoon.
speshal_k
Apr. 17th, 2007 09:15 am (UTC)
What weapon did Raphael have? I bet you liked him cos of them! (I always felt a little short changed cos Donatello just had a stick...)
benpeek
Apr. 17th, 2007 09:20 am (UTC)
he had the sia (?)

anyhow, for me it was the angry, fuck you attitude of him. he was the most interesting of the turtles.
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