jesus is such a drama queen

"So's drinking coffee," said one of the other Time Travellers. "But we do it anyway." He hit a button, and the noises from an expresso machine filled the air. "I even have four flavours here. Want some, or are you still recovering from that wine?"

The Coffee-Time Traveller grumbled. "You think YOU'RE having a bad day? I've just realized that we left BOTH the Kenyan and Columbian coffees at home, and all we have left is this Sumatra garbage." He gave Jesus a considering look. "You wouldn't happen to be willing to, say, keep this going for another three hours or so, while we pop off back home to pick up some Kenyan beans?"

Jesus stared out into the sun-scorched sky, and said nothing.

"Not really up for that, huh?" said the Time-Traveller cheerfully. "Hmm. Let me think. I know! You changed water into wine? How 'bout changing these into Kenyan beans?"

But Jesus still said nothing.

"Beyond your abilities, huh?" said the Traveller, sorting through his beans. "I know, I know -- when there's that great of a gap in quality..."

"It is not," said Jesus hoarsely, "beyond my abilities." And he closed his mouth again.

The Time-Traveller's face grew dark, but not from the sun. "Well," he said, "If you're going to be THAT way about it."

"I am who I am," breathed Jesus.

One of the other Time-Travellers looked appalled. "Hey! Isn't that plagarized?"

The sky grew dark.

"So are you suggesting," said Jesus, "that if I change your beans into Kenyan beans, my friends from this timeline will return here, to watch me die, and, more importantly, enjoy a really good cup of coffee?"

"In that case," said the thief on Jesus' left, who already knew he was heading to hell and had nothing left to lose at this point other than a few more blood vessels, "can I ask you not to bother? This is painful enough as it is, and those friends of yours would destroy what little enjoyment I'm getting from this."

"Oh, come now," protested the Coffee Time-Traveller. "I'm sure they know some good knock-knock jokes."

The thief on Jesus's right turned his head and groaned. "You did promise dinner tonight, right?"

I WILL GUARANTEE THAT WE WON'T BE SERVING COFFEE THERE.

"Are you sure that isn't just a recording of James Earl Jones' voice?" whispered another Time Traveller. But she was quickly shushed, before anyone could be burnt for heresy.

Jesus looked up, and clenched his teeth.

The thief on the right sighed. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," he muttered. "These father-son arguments never work out."

And of course he also remembered that time with Moses and the shoes, when God had been so irritated with Moses' choice of sandals, which had admittedly been pretty appalling (Moses didn't only have speaking problems, he was also, unfortunately, a lousy dresser, which probably accounted for his various self-esteem issues) that he had not only had Moses take them off, but had suddenly, in a fit of inspiration that could have been called diabolic if it hadn't been, well, godly, had decided to force Moses to lead all of his people through a 70 year trek through the desert just to get him to appreciate fine footwear. This had of course meant extra work for everybody except God (he still remembered, with a shudder, of how Uriel had been reduced to tears when told to gather all the frogs in Africa and dump them into the Nile) and had not been helped by the doleful prediction that in a few thousand years, the whole event would be dismissed as a legend anyway, at least by those that fancied themselves intellectuals.

But those were just the petty moments. He had shared other times with God, too, and they --

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE, boomed the voice.

"I'm hardly in a position to walk anyway," said Jesus.

"Ooh," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "Sarcasm. That's good. Brings out a new side to your character that we don't really get to see in the standard textbooks." He paused. "Speaking of which, and just from the publicity point of view, you understand, you might want to keep an eye out for that for awhile. You don't always come off well. Well, that's not entirely true. It's more that you come off as this impossible ideal, and then various people interpret everything you said that doesn't make sense, and then, well." He paused again. "I really need a cup of coffee," he said, adding a note of pity to his tone that should have melted stone.

Jesus allowed blood to drip from his hand, and sighed. "I suppose you want donuts as well."

"They're not exactly on my diet," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "But, you know, since I am on vacation..."

GIVING INTO TEMPTATION IS EVIL.

"True, true," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "I don't suppose you'd give an exemption, this being, you know, kind of a religious event and all?"

IF YOU EAT THE DONUT, YOUR CHOLESTEROL WILL RISE, AND YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK IN PRECISELY 61 DAYS, 8 HOURS, 3 MINUTES, and 43 SECONDS, GIVE OR TAKE A SECOND OR TWO.

"Yeah, but I'm TIME-TRAVELLING. I'm sure that'll change the whole countdown to death time thing." He paused. "Anyway, it's not like I can eat them right now, anyway, can I? Unless they're imaginary donut things."

SON. BE POLITE.

Jesus wept.

"See?" whispered another Time-Traveller. "I knew we should have tried to land just a couple of years earlier -- right around the whole feeind the five thousand things." She paused, and in her pause the wind howled. "Of course I don't like fish."

The thief on Jesus's right looked puzzled. "Vishnu? You talking about that fat baker down the road from the Temple a bit -- the one that always overcharges on holidays?" He snorted. "Didn't know he had any morality left in him."

"That was not the Vishnu he meant," breathed Jesus.

"How do you know?" asked the thief on the left.

"I know many things," said Jesus, and he closed his eyes again. The faint smell of coffee drifted in the air, but he ignored it.

"Yeah," said one of the Time Travellers. "How do you know about Vishnu, anyway, given that you're all the way over here, and India's all the way over there?"

The thief on the left spat, and anybody paying attention might have seen a few drops of blood in the spit. But few were. "Contrary to your notions of idiocy, we do have a lot of trade and communication between the great lands of Asia and Europe. What did you think Capernaum was, a place for him to stand and do his freaking tricks? It's a crossroads, man, a place where traders come from all over to snack on fish before they head on. Sometimes they come to Jerusalem." He paused, and ran a tongue over his dry lips. "Where I rob them, and they cry out to Vishnu when they realize they've lost their money."

"Tourists do usually make good targets," said another Time Traveller, speaking for the first time, before he realized what he had said. The other Time Travellers moved away from him, just a little.

A small red-headed girl, slight, still encased in silver metal, rolled down towards the crosses, and gazed up at the three men, the thieves with the son of God, and smiled. "I'm so sorry," she said. "But I just couldn't wait for the miracle of Kenyan beans. This is a French Dark Roast, though." She poured herself a cup of coffee and took a sip, then poured three more cups of coffee, and bowed slightly.

Then she left a cup of coffee at the bottom of each cross, black, with no cream or sugar.

The red-skinned being smiled, and it was either the sort of smile that sent shivers up and down your spine before settling in your nether regions -- the word nether being peculiarly appropriate at this point -- or it was the sort of smile that made you crave coffee. "For you, oh light of my universe, oh divine center of my heart, oh most puissant and --"

CUT THE FLATTERY. YOUR SINS CAN BE GREATER THAN THAT.

Lucifer kept smiling. "For you, my light, anything." His eyebrow twitched, and a finger twitched, and then a silver pot of coffee appeared, hovering in midair, accompanied by a small pot of cream, a small container of sugar, and several bone china cups. "Would you care for the first cup?"

Jesus breathed deeply. "Did you really come to drink coffee with us?"

"I'm not sure us is the appropriate word here," said Lucifer, looking up into the heavens, and allowing a small bone china cup to float up from his hand to the sky. "Or rather, us when I use the word us is appropriate, but us when you use the word is not so appropriate." He looked around at the Time Travellers. "Who's next?" he asked, and the sweetness of his voice was sickening and compelling all at once.

THIS IS ONE DAMN FINE CUP OF COFFEE, LUCIFER.

The red-skinned man bowed. "But of course." He looked around at the Time-Travellers again. "Who wants a cup?"

"Er," said a quavering voice. "It's just coffee, right? It won't cost us our souls?"

Lucifer shook his head. "Not at all," he said, and in his voice was enough reassurance to convince a rabbit to step towards a tiger. "I'd never purchase a soul for so little. And besides --" and his red gaze swept us all, causing us to shiver in the desert, "Quite frankly, I don't need to purchase most of your souls."

"Well, in that case," said the Coffee Time-Traveller happily enough, and strode forward. He took a sip. "My god, this really IS one damn fine cup of coffee."

DID YOU DOUBT ME?

"Er, not at all," said the Coffee Time-Traveller quickly.

"Lucifer," said Jesus weakly, and the strain in his voice was evident. "What did you mean by your discourse about us."

"Nothing really, my dear," said Lucifer, as he continued to pass out coffee and small chocolate cookies. "It's only that you and I are about to take a little trip, and as I recall correctly, you don't do well on these things when you have something in your stomach. I mean, didn't you actually decide to walk on the water rather than ride another boat? And that was just on the Sea of Galilee -- not exactly the roughest of waters, my friend."

"Trip?"

"Oh, yes. We have to descend into hell, and all that," siad Lucifer. He took a sip of coffee himself and smiled. By this time, the odor of the coffee had filled the desert air. "Or did you miss the memo?"

"I haven't really been keeping up with my correspondence," admitted Jesus.

"The paperwork does get a bit overwhelming," agreed Lucifer. "That's really something we'll have to be talking about during your visit, I think. Frankly, in this case, I just did a little peering ahead into the future, just to see if it was really necessary for me to show up today." He shrugged. "Millions of people saying 'He descended into hell....' Well, of course, they could be under a major delusion, but who am I to pass up a major publicity move like this?" He sipped his coffee. "Just let me know when you're ready, and we'll be off, then."

"You're travelling to hell?" complained the thief on Jesus' right. "But you said we were going to have supper in heaven tonight."

"See, I told you not to believe him," said the thief on the left, still sipping coffee.

"God," whispered Jesus. "Now I really do need a cup of coffee."

Lucifer sighed, and tipped over the silver pot of coffee. "All gone," he said. And then he laughed.

i heard that jesus was really a zombie. THAT'S why he came back, man. Now he's locked in a tomb somewhere, waiting for some overzealous asshole of a religious scholar or archeaologist to find him so that he can bring his plague to the world, Jesus-style.

one of the people on my fl linked it. probably grrwoo.