?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The Past | The Previous

Time Jesus

I traveled back through time to watch Jesus get crucified.

Sixty three fellow Time Travelers were already there. They arrived in blue globes, machines of steel and brass, and squares boxes that were run by flushing the toilet. One of them was a white dog who stood upon his hind legs, and next to him was a skinny, bespectacled boy.

Jesus had been nailed, had been hung up, and skin peeling, the nails tearing through his skin as he sagged, he ran his hard eyes across us all. I wondered if the woman with the cup had been past.

"You fools," Jesus whispered harshly. "Didn't anyone ever tell you this was a cliche?"

Comments

( 16 Soaking Up Bandwidth — Soak Up Bandwidth )
velvetined
Feb. 13th, 2003 05:28 pm (UTC)
jesus is such a drama queen
mariness
Feb. 14th, 2003 06:23 am (UTC)
"So's drinking coffee," said one of the other Time Travellers. "But we do it anyway." He hit a button, and the noises from an expresso machine filled the air. "I even have four flavours here. Want some, or are you still recovering from that wine?"

benpeek
Feb. 15th, 2003 01:23 am (UTC)
Jesus struggled on the cross for a moment, pulling at the nails. Then he looked down at the cup of coffee, and he said, "You don't have vanilla flavouring there, do you?"

There was a rustling of pockets, napsacks, and magic portals. Murmuring began and ended, and finally, the Coffee Time Traveler said, "Sorry, no. Just caramel."

"Well, that's just perfect," Jesus muttered. "This really isn't my day."
mariness
Feb. 16th, 2003 06:59 am (UTC)
The Coffee-Time Traveller grumbled. "You think YOU'RE having a bad day? I've just realized that we left BOTH the Kenyan and Columbian coffees at home, and all we have left is this Sumatra garbage." He gave Jesus a considering look. "You wouldn't happen to be willing to, say, keep this going for another three hours or so, while we pop off back home to pick up some Kenyan beans?"

Jesus stared out into the sun-scorched sky, and said nothing.

"Not really up for that, huh?" said the Time-Traveller cheerfully. "Hmm. Let me think. I know! You changed water into wine? How 'bout changing these into Kenyan beans?"

But Jesus still said nothing.

"Beyond your abilities, huh?" said the Traveller, sorting through his beans. "I know, I know -- when there's that great of a gap in quality..."

"It is not," said Jesus hoarsely, "beyond my abilities." And he closed his mouth again.

The Time-Traveller's face grew dark, but not from the sun. "Well," he said, "If you're going to be THAT way about it."

"I am who I am," breathed Jesus.

One of the other Time-Travellers looked appalled. "Hey! Isn't that plagarized?"

The sky grew dark.

benpeek
Feb. 16th, 2003 02:05 pm (UTC)
"Dad?" Jesus whispered to the sky.

SON.

"Wow," said the Coffee Time-Traveler. "That's quite booming. Reminds me of Barry White, don't you think?"

The other Time-Travelers did agree that God sounded like Barry White, or James Earl Jones. Computers and note books clicked as the information was listed down.

SON, God said, ignoring them, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE KENYAN BLEND.

"But Dad..."

DON'T 'BUT DAD' ME. THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO GET WHINY. I'M JUST SAYING YOU SHOULD TRY THE KENYAN. JUST... YOU KNOW... DO YOUR STUFF.

"I just want to be left alone."

THESE PEOPLE TRAVELED FAR TO BE HERE.

Jesus looked down at the group of men and women (and on dog and boy) and, though the pain was gradually increasing in his body, he said, with as much indignitation as he could, "Do you remember when I first climbed up here, Dad? There were all these people native to the time and place, and the Apostles, and the woman with the cup?"

YES.

"Where are they now?"

The Coffee Time Traveler held up the packet of non Kenyan beans. "Gone for good coffee, I bet."
mariness
Feb. 17th, 2003 05:57 pm (UTC)
"So are you suggesting," said Jesus, "that if I change your beans into Kenyan beans, my friends from this timeline will return here, to watch me die, and, more importantly, enjoy a really good cup of coffee?"

"In that case," said the thief on Jesus' left, who already knew he was heading to hell and had nothing left to lose at this point other than a few more blood vessels, "can I ask you not to bother? This is painful enough as it is, and those friends of yours would destroy what little enjoyment I'm getting from this."

"Oh, come now," protested the Coffee Time-Traveller. "I'm sure they know some good knock-knock jokes."

The thief on Jesus's right turned his head and groaned. "You did promise dinner tonight, right?"

I WILL GUARANTEE THAT WE WON'T BE SERVING COFFEE THERE.

"Are you sure that isn't just a recording of James Earl Jones' voice?" whispered another Time Traveller. But she was quickly shushed, before anyone could be burnt for heresy.

Jesus looked up, and clenched his teeth.

The thief on the right sighed. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," he muttered. "These father-son arguments never work out."


benpeek
Feb. 17th, 2003 10:03 pm (UTC)
YOU THIEVES ARE SUCH A WHINY BUNCH.

"My," said the Coffee Time Traveler, "God is a bit of a bitch, isn't he?"

I AM NOT A HE.

"Well, you are the Father, right?"

On his cross, Jesus groaned, waiting for the onslaught of God's wrath. The sky darkened, and the clouds swirled, and a lightening laced the sky.

"Forget I asked, huh?" the Time Traveler said quickly, and held up his coffee maker. "Back to the important things, yes?"

YES.

"Except I don't really want coffee," said the thief.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE THE SINS, SHOULDN'T YOU?

"Oh my," said another time traveler, "he's going to turn him into salt! We're going to see a salt turning!"

ARE NOT.

The time travelers groaned, obviously disappointed. Jesus sagged to hide his smile, because God could be petty some times. He remembered that whole ark fiasco, with the flooding. One of the angels had pointed out that flooding a small portion of the world wasn't really flooding the world, was it? And God, ina sudden rage, had made that angel flood the entire world but not kill a single living creature that wasn't already on the Death List.
mariness
Feb. 18th, 2003 08:49 pm (UTC)
And of course he also remembered that time with Moses and the shoes, when God had been so irritated with Moses' choice of sandals, which had admittedly been pretty appalling (Moses didn't only have speaking problems, he was also, unfortunately, a lousy dresser, which probably accounted for his various self-esteem issues) that he had not only had Moses take them off, but had suddenly, in a fit of inspiration that could have been called diabolic if it hadn't been, well, godly, had decided to force Moses to lead all of his people through a 70 year trek through the desert just to get him to appreciate fine footwear. This had of course meant extra work for everybody except God (he still remembered, with a shudder, of how Uriel had been reduced to tears when told to gather all the frogs in Africa and dump them into the Nile) and had not been helped by the doleful prediction that in a few thousand years, the whole event would be dismissed as a legend anyway, at least by those that fancied themselves intellectuals.

But those were just the petty moments. He had shared other times with God, too, and they --

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE, boomed the voice.

"I'm hardly in a position to walk anyway," said Jesus.

"Ooh," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "Sarcasm. That's good. Brings out a new side to your character that we don't really get to see in the standard textbooks." He paused. "Speaking of which, and just from the publicity point of view, you understand, you might want to keep an eye out for that for awhile. You don't always come off well. Well, that's not entirely true. It's more that you come off as this impossible ideal, and then various people interpret everything you said that doesn't make sense, and then, well." He paused again. "I really need a cup of coffee," he said, adding a note of pity to his tone that should have melted stone.

Jesus allowed blood to drip from his hand, and sighed. "I suppose you want donuts as well."

"They're not exactly on my diet," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "But, you know, since I am on vacation..."

GIVING INTO TEMPTATION IS EVIL.

"True, true," said the Coffee Time Traveller. "I don't suppose you'd give an exemption, this being, you know, kind of a religious event and all?"

IF YOU EAT THE DONUT, YOUR CHOLESTEROL WILL RISE, AND YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK IN PRECISELY 61 DAYS, 8 HOURS, 3 MINUTES, and 43 SECONDS, GIVE OR TAKE A SECOND OR TWO.

"Yeah, but I'm TIME-TRAVELLING. I'm sure that'll change the whole countdown to death time thing." He paused. "Anyway, it's not like I can eat them right now, anyway, can I? Unless they're imaginary donut things."

SON. BE POLITE.

Jesus wept.

"See?" whispered another Time-Traveller. "I knew we should have tried to land just a couple of years earlier -- right around the whole feeind the five thousand things." She paused, and in her pause the wind howled. "Of course I don't like fish."

benpeek
Feb. 19th, 2003 04:04 am (UTC)
"No, no," said the Time Traveler who arrived on a beast of metal and silver. "God--er, no offense--"

IT'S OKAY.

"Well, anyhow, the fish. The fish thing was really over rated. I mean, yeah, there was Jesus, and yeah, there was this starving mob of folks, but it wasn't everything that was said. It was the fish, you see, and the bread. Jesus did his make more of them thing, and they looked beautiful, looked just like fish you could really enjoy if you fried it in butter and a bit of lemon. but the problem was that they didn't taste like anything and they didn't stop you from being hungry, so all these people go angry."

"Well," said one of the other Time Travelers, "they don't tell you that."

"It was suppose to feed them," Jesus whispered, sagging and pale, "if only they'd believe."

BELIEVING IS VERY IMPORTANT.

"But..." the Time Traveler paused, feeling her skin prickle in response to a threat. "I mean, i just thought... they were hungry..."

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY.

"I'm hungry," said the thief next to Jesus. "In fact, I'm kind of thirsty too. How's that coffee coming along?"

SILENCE.

"Yeah, yeah, or what? You'll damn me some more?"

I'LL MAKE THE COFFEE FREEZE DRIED CRYSTALS.

The time travelers, as one, gasped, and quickly urged the time traveler with the coffee beans to hide them, in a futile gesture to protect what was turning out to be the only pure and important thing at the moment.

The thief spat a weak gob out in defiance. "As soon as as Vishnu gets here, he's going to kick your ass for stringing me up here as some moral lesson."
mariness
Feb. 21st, 2003 05:34 am (UTC)
The thief on Jesus's right looked puzzled. "Vishnu? You talking about that fat baker down the road from the Temple a bit -- the one that always overcharges on holidays?" He snorted. "Didn't know he had any morality left in him."

"That was not the Vishnu he meant," breathed Jesus.

"How do you know?" asked the thief on the left.

"I know many things," said Jesus, and he closed his eyes again. The faint smell of coffee drifted in the air, but he ignored it.

"Yeah," said one of the Time Travellers. "How do you know about Vishnu, anyway, given that you're all the way over here, and India's all the way over there?"

The thief on the left spat, and anybody paying attention might have seen a few drops of blood in the spit. But few were. "Contrary to your notions of idiocy, we do have a lot of trade and communication between the great lands of Asia and Europe. What did you think Capernaum was, a place for him to stand and do his freaking tricks? It's a crossroads, man, a place where traders come from all over to snack on fish before they head on. Sometimes they come to Jerusalem." He paused, and ran a tongue over his dry lips. "Where I rob them, and they cry out to Vishnu when they realize they've lost their money."

"Tourists do usually make good targets," said another Time Traveller, speaking for the first time, before he realized what he had said. The other Time Travellers moved away from him, just a little.

A small red-headed girl, slight, still encased in silver metal, rolled down towards the crosses, and gazed up at the three men, the thieves with the son of God, and smiled. "I'm so sorry," she said. "But I just couldn't wait for the miracle of Kenyan beans. This is a French Dark Roast, though." She poured herself a cup of coffee and took a sip, then poured three more cups of coffee, and bowed slightly.

Then she left a cup of coffee at the bottom of each cross, black, with no cream or sugar.
benpeek
Feb. 24th, 2003 04:39 am (UTC)
The thief on the right looked down at the cup, then back up. "This is some sort of joke, right?"

"No," said the girl, sweetly.

"Tease?"

"No."

"Cruelty?"

"Not at all."

"Then how," the thief hissed, "am i suppose to get it?"

IT WON'T BE COMING TO HEAVEN WITH YOU.

The time travelers looked up, again, and one of them pointed to the right, while another to the left. There was a sigh, rather like a gust of wind, and God said, OMNIPOTENT.

The time travelers nodded, and one said, "Shoot, I keep forgetting that."

"Excuse me!" the thief cried. "But what about my coffee?"

Before anyone could answer, there was a puff of brimstone, and a slime, red skin man appeared. He wore a fine, black suit, and a shirt that appeared to be made of blood, hung together, and a long streak of a black tie. Despite the red skin, he was charming, and with dimples, and two small horns from his forhead, hidden beneath a stylish hat.

"Folks," he said, with a nod to the time travelers and men on crosses, and picked up the coffee that was in front of Jesus' cross. He took a sip, frowned, and murmured, "needs caramel," before levitating up to the thief on the right.

The thief took a sip. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

LUCIFIER?

"Yes," replied the red skinned being without looking up.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WHIP US UP SOME KENYAN?
mariness
Mar. 2nd, 2003 11:15 am (UTC)
The red-skinned being smiled, and it was either the sort of smile that sent shivers up and down your spine before settling in your nether regions -- the word nether being peculiarly appropriate at this point -- or it was the sort of smile that made you crave coffee. "For you, oh light of my universe, oh divine center of my heart, oh most puissant and --"

CUT THE FLATTERY. YOUR SINS CAN BE GREATER THAN THAT.

Lucifer kept smiling. "For you, my light, anything." His eyebrow twitched, and a finger twitched, and then a silver pot of coffee appeared, hovering in midair, accompanied by a small pot of cream, a small container of sugar, and several bone china cups. "Would you care for the first cup?"

Jesus breathed deeply. "Did you really come to drink coffee with us?"

"I'm not sure us is the appropriate word here," said Lucifer, looking up into the heavens, and allowing a small bone china cup to float up from his hand to the sky. "Or rather, us when I use the word us is appropriate, but us when you use the word is not so appropriate." He looked around at the Time Travellers. "Who's next?" he asked, and the sweetness of his voice was sickening and compelling all at once.

THIS IS ONE DAMN FINE CUP OF COFFEE, LUCIFER.

The red-skinned man bowed. "But of course." He looked around at the Time-Travellers again. "Who wants a cup?"

"Er," said a quavering voice. "It's just coffee, right? It won't cost us our souls?"

Lucifer shook his head. "Not at all," he said, and in his voice was enough reassurance to convince a rabbit to step towards a tiger. "I'd never purchase a soul for so little. And besides --" and his red gaze swept us all, causing us to shiver in the desert, "Quite frankly, I don't need to purchase most of your souls."

"Well, in that case," said the Coffee Time-Traveller happily enough, and strode forward. He took a sip. "My god, this really IS one damn fine cup of coffee."

DID YOU DOUBT ME?

"Er, not at all," said the Coffee Time-Traveller quickly.

"Lucifer," said Jesus weakly, and the strain in his voice was evident. "What did you mean by your discourse about us."

"Nothing really, my dear," said Lucifer, as he continued to pass out coffee and small chocolate cookies. "It's only that you and I are about to take a little trip, and as I recall correctly, you don't do well on these things when you have something in your stomach. I mean, didn't you actually decide to walk on the water rather than ride another boat? And that was just on the Sea of Galilee -- not exactly the roughest of waters, my friend."

"Trip?"

"Oh, yes. We have to descend into hell, and all that," siad Lucifer. He took a sip of coffee himself and smiled. By this time, the odor of the coffee had filled the desert air. "Or did you miss the memo?"

"I haven't really been keeping up with my correspondence," admitted Jesus.

"The paperwork does get a bit overwhelming," agreed Lucifer. "That's really something we'll have to be talking about during your visit, I think. Frankly, in this case, I just did a little peering ahead into the future, just to see if it was really necessary for me to show up today." He shrugged. "Millions of people saying 'He descended into hell....' Well, of course, they could be under a major delusion, but who am I to pass up a major publicity move like this?" He sipped his coffee. "Just let me know when you're ready, and we'll be off, then."

"You're travelling to hell?" complained the thief on Jesus' right. "But you said we were going to have supper in heaven tonight."

"See, I told you not to believe him," said the thief on the left, still sipping coffee.

"God," whispered Jesus. "Now I really do need a cup of coffee."

Lucifer sighed, and tipped over the silver pot of coffee. "All gone," he said. And then he laughed.
benpeek
Mar. 4th, 2003 02:10 am (UTC)
"Um," the original coffee drinking time traveler said. "Um. Jesus is going to hell?"

"Pushing boulders--or should i say daisies?" Lucifer chewed on the inside of his lip, then shrugged. "Could be both."

LUCIFER.

"Yeah?"

JESUS IS NOT MEANT TO GO TO HELL.

"It's only for a couple of days. Well, it'll seem like a couple of days, and I guess that's all that matters."

HMM. WELL. I WAS A BIT WORRIED ON WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR THOSE COUPLE OF DAYS...

"Dad!" cried out Jesus to the Heavens.

The Time Travelers oohed, and aaahed, and a few whispered that it didn't matter where you were from, there was always that time when you and your folks didn't get along. it was universal.

"Now you see," Lucifer said. "What were you going to do with him during that time? Throw a feast? Come on. You remember the last feast you had with Eve and Adam, don't you? And then there is Michael and Gabriel--"

THEY ARE A BIT OF A KILLJOY. THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE PARTY HATS.

"That's because you spared the stick on them, G," Lucifer said with a touch of wisdom. "Look at me. I wasn't spared, and look what I went and became? You gotta be proud."

IN A WAY.

"How backhanded," he replied. "Anyhow, you don't want a party. Why don't you burn down a town or something? There's a whole bunch of Muslims who don't believe in you."

HMM. GOOD POINT. The clouds in the sky pulsed with lightening, and then God said, WELL, JESUS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. IF IT'S ANY HELP, I HEAR THE MORNINGSTAR HAS A FINE ARRAY OF COFFEE IN HIS PANTRY DOWN THERE.

"And I'll be sure to share," he said with a charming smile.

Jesus looked up at the sky, but God had already gone, and, his strength failing, he looked down at the time travelers. If only he could spit one final curse at them, for being this unimaginative at the very least. But his throat was dry, he was aching for some coffee, and everything was going black...

"See you soon," Lucifer murmured. Turning, he faced the travelers, and let out a thin stream of brimstone. "You guys and gals and dogs have been a lovely audience, but now it's time for you all to go home."

The suggestion wormed its way through them, working its way down their ears, through their skin and into their brains with a snap of energy.

The Time Travelers finished their coffee, then began saying their farewells. They started their machines, and, as one, looked up at the sagging figure of Jesus.

"You all be sure to remember this now," Lucifer said.

And then they were gone.

And it seemed, strangely, as if this was at an end.
mspish
Apr. 2nd, 2005 02:44 am (UTC)
i heard that jesus was really a zombie. THAT'S why he came back, man. Now he's locked in a tomb somewhere, waiting for some overzealous asshole of a religious scholar or archeaologist to find him so that he can bring his plague to the world, Jesus-style.
benpeek
Apr. 2nd, 2005 05:29 am (UTC)
wow. this entry is pretty damn old. how'd you find it?
mspish
Apr. 2nd, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
one of the people on my fl linked it. probably grrwoo.
( 16 Soaking Up Bandwidth — Soak Up Bandwidth )