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This is Angeline Hawkes-Craig and she just spammed me.

It came in a short email that, completely unsolicited, arrived in my inbox as an invitation to a yahoogroup. That was why I opened it. Inside was a yahoo generated invited to AHCUpdates, sent to me by aloucraig@yahoo.com, which indeed, might not be Hawkes-Craig, but probably is, what with the craig bit at the end and all. Still, I thought, as I looked down the group name, maybe this is just some group for messages. A forum. I like a good forum and this happens every now and then... but wait, no, this is not the case. Baffled, I read that it was an "invitation to join Speculative/Horror Fiction Author Angeline Hawkes-Craig's monthly newsletter. This is NOT a chat type yahoo group, only a monthly newsletter with updates on Angeline's fiction releases and news."

And then I thought, "Who the fuck is Angeline Hawkes-Craig?"

But I was ignorant and uncharitable, because it turns out that she's a Texas based writer of speculative fiction who was once a member of Sigma Tau Delta, a sorority out at East Texas State University. Well, fucking A! That changed everything! We've so much to bond over, Angie! You don't mind if I call you Angie, do you? I mean, we're practically best fucking buds now, Angie, as there's nothing I like best than a generated and impersonal email from a complete stranger. And, when you couple it with my absolute love for little groups that people can be part of, especially those sorority sounding ones in the States, why, I just think it's going to be great joining your group! I hope it's like Legally Blonde, Angie. I really do. I never saw the sequel, but that was just the community I want to be--

Oh, wait, you're part of the Horror Writer's Association.

Shit.

I bet you haven't been in a Ricky Martin video, have you?

That really brings me down, Angie. Really down. I had my pants open. I was waiting for the bikinis and nudity.

Still, I'm a writer, you're a writer. I'd never spam some complete stranger to join my list and get updates for an author I had never heard of, but you've published a whole lot more than me and you're obviously a genius. Well, I'm an open minded guy. I won't react badly because I was spammed by a person and not a bot and lash out with all my pent up spam rage. That should really be a term, you know. Spam Rage. I like it. But anyhow, just yesterday I was told how open minded and welcoming I am to complete strangers who are horror authors and who try to convince me to buy their novels. My friends always say, "I tune off the moment they say their book is about a horrifying tale involving stem cell research, governmental psychic intrigue, and the coming of the Anti-Christ. Saint John had no way of knowing the incredible advances of modern medicine. What we know, based on his visions in the book of Revelations, is a message rendered incomplete by these recent medical developments. What John knew concerning the last days only scraped the surface ... the truth is even more terrifying. The possibilities are endless...

"I mean the stupidity, that's what tunes them out, you know? They just think, 'oh, God, burn out my eyes so I can never witness such a horror.' And they see that the book with its cover that looks like it has been illustrated by a retarded child with a pair of monkey paws crafted onto its arms and think, Shit, how is it that anyone could expect me to pay money for that?"

But I'm not like that.

I'm understanding, you see. I know it's hard to look like a professional author. It takes time and effort and the occasional bit of spam. I know, I know. But at least you didn't fall into the trap of claiming that you have awards that are nothing but contests you've won. That shit drives me insane because, as someone who has a BA in composite english language skills, and who has been a High School teacher, you'd know that winning a competition is not winning an award. You'd know that the two are, in fact, quite different, with one being a contest that you enter, and the other being--occasionally--a peer orientated judgment of work that has been published in a particular field. Totally different. Money can change hands for both, but in contests you pay to enter, not bribe to win. It's an important difference and it's strange how people don't often see that, but not you and me, hey, Angie? We're on the same page here. That's why you sent me this email, isn't it?

I'm so glad you spammed me, Angie. To think this beautiful relationship might have never begun... why, I just choke up with the thought. Truly, spamming is love.

Comments

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drjon
Aug. 7th, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)
Obviously she needs your money. The poor dear's reduced to using the manual facelift technique.

Hey, maybe we could all chip in and buy her an alligator clip for the back of her head...
benpeek
Aug. 7th, 2005 07:49 am (UTC)
i dunno, man, angie is the kind of girl who likes to do this stuff herself. obviously she'd like to find and kill that gator before we made any kind of clip for her.
becloud
Aug. 7th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
lucky you! you get all the girls. i sure hope there's an Angeline Hawkes-Craig in the world for me.
benpeek
Aug. 7th, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
oh, i'm sure there will be. maybe she'll have a web cam. maybe she'll be sixteen and wanting you to touch her. maybe she will be a he. but i'm sure there'll be one for you. the world just has that much bliss.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 7th, 2005 10:10 am (UTC)
hmmm i sense a loving relationship along the lines of a meg ryan romantic comedy, starting here.

john
benpeek
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
only if i'm lucky. i like it when i can be cruel and still have women love me.
nick_kaufmann
Aug. 7th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
Naked Snake Press has THE worst covers I've ever seen. They are, quite literally, line drawings no different from those made by doodling children. Why anyone continues to publish with them is beyond me.

I also know Angeline Hawkes-Craig, through the HWA. She didn't invite me to join her list, though. She likes you better.
benpeek
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
i must have that special feel she's looking for. whatever that feel is, i've no idea.

and yes, the naked snake press stuff did look quite bad. i can't imagine anyone buying from there, but i guess they must do enough to keep afloat.
nick_kaufmann
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
i guess they must do enough to keep afloat.

I doubt that. I think we may be hearing about their demise sooner rather than later.
sdowens
Aug. 8th, 2005 01:11 am (UTC)
She didn't invite me either. What does Ben have that we don't?
benpeek
Aug. 8th, 2005 01:24 am (UTC)
well, i *am* a sexy foreigner.
nick_kaufmann
Aug. 8th, 2005 03:37 am (UTC)
A cute accent.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 8th, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
Ah. Such a familiar face. This lovely lady has been spamming forums all over the place. I'm sick to death of her name, personally, and still haven't read any of her work.

The Anonymous Stephanie
benpeek
Aug. 8th, 2005 11:11 am (UTC)
i suspect that there's absolutely no reason to read her work.

but at least you've seen the spam! i was starting to think i was the only one sexy enough to get it.
tanuja
Aug. 8th, 2005 01:25 pm (UTC)
Lucky you! My spam usually consists along the lines of:

"Hey "tanuja", khdhdbch dbnJKASBDah!! Want a bigger penis? NSiohnasdh jkna....."

or

"Cheap Viagra, just contact [insert name]"

or

"Use this [insert name of product], the ladies will melt for you"


I'm beginning to get a little paranoid, I only get asked for the above three items and:
1) I'm female, so no I don't want a bigger penis
2) I'm a straight female, so no I don't want ladies melting for me
3) My husband is well under the age of requiring Viagra
4) WTF is the gibberish in the titles of these e-mails?

So, I'm not sure what they're trying to tell me. Any hints? (Apart from the fact that they think that I'm a lesbian, who's had an operation to have a penis fitted, but now have erectile penis dysfunction.)

See, there's always a silver lining to spam.

benpeek
Aug. 9th, 2005 01:45 am (UTC)
there's nothing i can say to that. you've obviously figured out that you are a woman with an erectile dysfunction, among other things. all you really need to do is set yourself up with a cam and tell people what a lost little school girl you are...
tanuja
Aug. 9th, 2005 09:02 am (UTC)
Do you reckon people would be interested in something that mundane? ;)
(Anonymous)
Aug. 8th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
I think you might be selling her a bit short. "Out of the Mouth of Babes" sounds pretty creepy -- can you imagine a bunch of babies with only one mouth between them? And, you know, "The Day of the Hens"... I mean, I'm getting horny just reading the title...


mjw
(Deleted comment)
benpeek
Aug. 9th, 2005 01:44 am (UTC)
yeah, i figured. the fact that chickens were turning you on... well, who else could it be?

;)
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